Fair with freckles

It's in your eyes

2011-10-29T00:31:00.003+08:00

Have not been very lucid in my everyday life recently. I feel like I'm whizzing through someone else's memories of shopping after school, eating decent dukbokki, spazzing out over cute boys in town and being slave to the internet. All of the above activities, I have done with Zoer because she's just an awesome hang-out buddy and we both conveniently live in the East.

However, in the next breath, I can say that I truly miss my old friends. Just today I committed a pretty bad example of flakiness. I didn't mean to be, but I completely forgot about my dinner plan with Cheryl and that's even after I complained to her about her not wanting to see me anymore because of other pre-occupations. Apart from the contradictions, I also feel really bad at the thought of her going home earlier when she'd planned to eat with me. I really wish I'd kept the plan in mind cos I do regret forgetting and skipping out on this opportunity to see her. It's been weeks, I think...

With this in mind, it seems nonsensical to talk about other happenings in school. What's the point of making new friends and flirting with man, woman, dog and cat if I can't properly take care of people I claim to be extremely precious to me?

It feel as if all the things that make me laugh and smile nowadays are just superficial, ephemeral moments. I feel like I might be content, but at the same time, dissatisfied because I'm content with just being who I am now. And in the next breath, I can be cursing myself for feeling like shit over insignificant worldly things. I'm not new to oxymoronic states of mind. But that doesn't mean that the having them aches me any less.

In some fleeting instances, a song can fill my heart to bursting. And with effect from rolling the windows of my mom's car down. Something anything makes me feel infinite.

If I could use the word "infinite" in any adjective phrase to describe me right now. It'd be "Infinitely Moronic". The word sandwich of this is "Inforonic".

The subtle difference

2011-10-23T22:00:00.002+08:00

It's probably a good thing that my sister bought me a tub of ice cream, two packs of ruffles and some Barcadi today aside from neatly and nicely cutting my hair because I feel like a wreck right now. I don't know when the bad mood started so I guess it just kinda crept up on me.

To all those who still bother coming here (wipes sparkling tear away), sorry for not updating and thank you for not giving up on me. I'm probably gonna post an update on my twitter whenever I update my blog so maybe you could follow me on twitter as well (@TheCalendarfish).

I just got a badly needed hair cut today by my sis because it's so convenient to sit on a stool on some Straits Times classifieds and stand up with hair 3 inches shorter without ever exerting yourself to brush your teeth or leave the house.

I start on Hip Hop for my Sport and Wellness module tomorrow and fuck my life, my classes start at 8am.

Shit I'm out of blogging motivation already. I'll be back and try harder next time. *sob*

You've got the white then the black

2011-09-17T14:13:00.004+08:00

Yesterday was began quite awesome. I awoke at around 11.40 and lazily dragged my ass to my mac to carry out my internet addiction routine. I'd completely forgotten but was immediately jolted awake when I saw Bonnie's status on my homepage where she declared her awesome GPA. The results were out and at this point I felt my heart start pounding out of fucking nervousness. I then spent 5 minutes trying to access my NPal account. For some reason, I couldn't get in through Google Chrome so i used Safari. And thereupon I logged in with much trepidation. "What if I completely fucked up Radio and pulled won all my potential As?" Radio was definitely my worst modules this semester, I'd never gotten a single A for any of the assignments and projects. But thank God, seriously. When I saw my result I thought my heart was gonna fall out of my mouth simply by beating too fast.

(I took out the screenshot of my grades cos the picture was way too small)

Exploring Contemporary Issues - A

Radio Production 1 - B+

Social Psychology and Communication - A

Speech Communication - AD

Written Communication - A

ZOMGGGGGGGG. I have never been so happy about grades before, but that's probably due to the fact I've never actually done really well for several subjects at once. All through Primary and Secondary school the only subjects I ever scored in were English and Literature. Having such a well rounded result really makes me want to weep. 3.9... I was aiming high, but actually getting the grade really caught me by surprise.

However, this also puts a great deal of stress on me cos the last thing I want to do now is do worse the next sem. I better treasure the rest of my holiday cos I'm gonna be pretty busy when mid october rolls around.

Naturally, I was super happy and stuff. The whole day went pretty well, I had a peaceful brunch with my mom and met Connie for dinner (did lame useless shit on the internet in between my meals) and finally got a pretty shitty piece of news. I don't want to talk about it on the internet because I don't trust people online and people do research about others on the www. However, I am mostly willing to tell people anything in person so go figure! hahahaha :D Let's just say I learnt a really good lesson.

But I got him where I want him now

2011-08-31T00:31:00.003+08:00

PARAMOREEEEEEEEEEE. I should have totally tried out for the Radio Heatwave contest to win concert tickets- that would've prevented this immense guilty weight sitting, in all its constipated glory, on my heart. You never know if you don't try, y'know. :(

I haven't been doing much aside from work an tetris battle, which I know sounds like a perfectly disgusting way to pass the time. My social life has come to a standstill because of my thirst for money. And I'm so addicted to tetris battle (even though I suck at it) that I've started to think in coloured blocks.

I don't know if this is a side effect of something going on in my life but I feel like my writing is deteriorating. Words don't come as easily to me and even in my daily life, putting my thoughts into words without using Singlish has become a heavier task than ever. Now I'm scared out of my wits because I really can't deal with losing some eloquence or other. That's one of the few characteristics I've ever found worthy about myself...

Enough talk about that, though, I'm looking forward to receiving my pay and splurging the fuck out of my wallet. Just the thought of retail therapy is therapy in itself, it gives me STRENGTH.

Prawn Aglio Olio

2011-08-25T22:56:00.003+08:00

I returned from 10 hours of work just like half an hour ago and I am SO TIRED right now but I felt obligated to write a blog post for some unidentifiable reason. So yes, like I was saying, I worked probably like 10 hours today but take away 30 mins for break.

During my break I literally had the worst Yong Tau Foo ever when I went to eat with Black. My eggplant (I <3 Eggplant omg) was boiled in soup, not fried. And golly was it disgusting (even though still slightly tasty), gaaahh. Never mind that though, the absolute worst was the way they plopped my fried wonton into my soup where it soaked up like a sponge and turned into oily mush...

I enjoyed myself at work today, which is something I didn't see coming because I expected to be dead on my feet. I think I kept my energy up fairly and I really like all my co-workers. Everyone's nicer and way easier to talk to than in Cotton On. Nothing on the people in Cotton On, though it's probably just cos it was a much bigger store with the same number of people and therefore less chances to hang around each other.

Aside from that, I think the people who come in to my work place are quite varied and quite interesting. Today a party of 5 came in with 4 of them caucasian, among them was one who actually pouted at me and I'm thinking it's cos his Beef Lasagne took much longer to arrive than the food of everyone else and he kept looking wistfully at his friends. It's quite galling to have an almost 6 ft tall white man give you the puppy face in a long sleeved shirt and pants so I consider myself skillful for having kept my composure.

Also, the ADORABLE-ST family came in today during dinner. Both the parents are decently good looking and petite and good grief their children were so friggin cute even the son was kind overactive with the jumping everywhere and dropping Daddy's laptop bag on the floor. There was so much laughing and conversation despite the toddling youth of the kids, that I would've given anything to sit with them and feel part of that family just so I can somehow imagine what it must've been like for me in the past.

Chocolat: The Debut

2011-08-19T22:52:00.007+08:00

Disclaimer: I can't think like a producer or real pop-culture critic, I can only speak for myself or others based on forum feedback so don't take me too seriously. If you see this post as the be all end all of outsider perspective on K-pop etc etc, then you are a moron and should go back to kindergarten.

I was just listening to this addictive new song while turning over some of the criticism in my head when it struck me that I should do a blogpost about it because... there's nothing new on the this page.

The group in question is Chocolat and their debut title song is Syndrome. I'm not gonna say anything about the song because I don't know anything about music and blah blah, so let's just talk about the video and live performances.

Because the agency seems only focused on introducing Tia. Let's talk about everything in terms of Tia (like algebra teehee!). But seriously, you see that girl with with the big eyes, small nose and fair skin? The one that the video opens with. Yeah in one with winged out eyeliner and a super bright inner corner highlight. Yes, of course you know her, because she's center and front in practically the ENTIRE video. I won't be surprised if someone actually bothered to do the math and arrived at the conclusion that Tia takes up 95% of the screen time.

It's not unusual for companies to use the ulzzang (best face/perfect face) of the group to as a strong visual draw for viewers. Look at SNSD, Yoona takes of centerstage a great deal even though she doesn't sing as much as Tiffany or dance as well as Hyoyeon. Humans are largely visual creatures so it's understandable if you wanna leave in their minds the impression that there's eye candy to be found in your group. But goodness, if you want to promote a GROUP you can't use one face so obviously much more than everyone else in the group that no one stays in front for more than a line. Tia danced through all the choruses in the front and that doesn't allow anyone else to leave an impression on the viewers.

And the live performances were pretty shit, I think. Tia is definitely a good dancer so far, as are the rest of them, but golly none of them can really sing live apart from Jaeyoon. Compared to the other rookie groups of 2011 like X-5 (my favourite) and B1A4 who both perform live wonderfully, Chocolat reminds me of Dal Shabet another rookie girl group who has been bashed several times for doing shit live performances cos everything is lip-synced and the parts they do sing are horribly off-tune.

From reading the comments on AllKpop, all this focus on Tia has already created her a reputation for being "full of herself" or thinking that "she's all that" even though the girl hasn't actually done her public interview! It's not a positive light to place her in and perhaps all this emphasis placed in her as the major group visual might cause her to inadvertently become self-important because she is after all only 14, by most standards fairly impressionable. This does not bode well for their public image.

And just as a little side note, I laughed a bit at the English in the lyrics cos there's a line "fill me up" that perhaps due to the Korean accent, sounds like "feel me up". Setting aflame the heart of all pedophiles, these girls. And the dance didn't remind me of anything until I saw a comment on youtube which said some about armpit washing (watch the chorus TROLOLOL)

My overall take: The debut song is super catchy and the visual and I honestly believe Tia isn't the only one worth looking at. I want more of Melanie, Jaeyoon, Soa and Julliene as well, so that I can warm up to their group identity and not see it as Tia ft. the Chocolats.

I thought this was quite fun, should I do more video reviews?

2011-08-19T19:15:00.002+08:00

LOOK, the old blog skin is back! I couldn't stand that boring ass white one. So welcome back to the classic world of Fair with Freckles :) I think I will forever be too lazy to design anything for this site.

Hulla boolala

2011-08-19T18:17:00.003+08:00

I've started to get the feeling that school might not be as long and dreary as I have always imagined it to be. I'm studying the best imaginable course for me (it would be even better if there was an element of literature) and the time it took to finish the first semester felt like nothing at all. Even back in Temasek when I was studying bullshit that I never considered important, time always seemed to skip along much farther and faster than I could keep up with. I was probably lying to myself whenever I said "I can't wait for this to end" because when it does end, I'm taken aback by the lack of warning for the onrushing emptiness. It's probably even worse now because those I consider closest to me are still caught up in their institutional commitments, a sad reminder of our staggered lives.

In the past five days, I've done nothing productive or in the least bit worth being proud of. I skipped for a grand total of eight minutes over 2 days, hula hooped for 4- that concludes my attempt at fitness this week. I also completed 130 chapters of manga in 2 days, prize for me? The only consolation I have been able to offer myself thus far is the prospect of income because I've gotten myself 2 jobs. They don't run concurrently, of course, that would kill me. And I expect that work will come to replace school the next several weeks.

My course has been fairly enjoyable so far, I'm still not the most efficient and effective person I can be but I believe I am improving. Hopefully the grades come out well too, I feel that I could've done better in most of the modules I took, but it's too late to say cos I will never take them again (I mean, I definitely didn't do badly enough to fail anything).

My manager is supposed to call me today to decide my roster but he hasn't :(

That's all I can think of to say now, will hopefully blog more from now on :)

Ribenaaa

2011-07-24T20:52:00.004+08:00

This working overnight thing makes me feel quite professional, like I'm really working for some company, trying to finish a project. Documentaries really aren't easy to make. :(

Return!

2011-07-11T10:25:00.002+08:00

I'm so friggin' stressed right now. Aside from the load of project deadlines and assignments coming up, I've got a gig coming up. I'm particularly scared about this gig because I went for the rehearsal on saturday and I went off tune at the high part which was crazy embarrassing even though nobody else seemed to care. It's scare, you know? To not feel secure about your parts in any performance. All my band mates do fine jobs, and if I fuck up. It'll just be me... I've been practicing a lot and praying a decent amount. I've even been drinking pi pa gao everyday. I'M SO DARN AFRAID OF MESSING UP.

Lord please help me get through this period of time. It surprises me every time, the calming effect of prayer really is undeniable.

2011-06-13T14:45:00.004+08:00

I have a confession to make, yesterday, I was a damn bitch to one of my good friends. She was late for something for reasons that I now empathise with. But yesterday, I was really short-tempered and spoke to her very harshly over the phone when I should have kept my temper. I think she was quite hurt by that and I really wish I hadn't done it. I wish I'd just let it pass. Wish I had just been more easy going. I wasn't all that early or whatever either, whatever possessed me at that moment to be a downright asshole is nothing other than selfish righteousness that gave birth to incredible impatience. I have apologised. But I can see why it's not enough because she's really not used to my temper and I went overboard. So now she isn't talking to me and I feel fucking terrible. There's nothing I can say for myself. She's seriously a friend that I love very much. I wish I hadn't done it. I'm so sorry...

Post-Birthday

2011-06-05T17:10:00.003+08:00

I wish I could focus only on the bright and happy things of yesterday. The gifts, the kind wishes, the love, the wonderful people.

Everything was perfect except firstly dinner. The food was wonderful but honestly, conversation was a pain in the butt. Even on my birthday we can't talk about anything I want to. I'm not asked any questions and nobody really congratulates me. Then why the fuck spend on food on my birthday? Just give me my damn cake, complain about the cream on it and be on your way. I don't want to spend my time talking about unused gifts that you want returned to you. Fuck.

The second mood spoiler was talk about the band. It's fucking depressing to know that I don't really fit in based on musicality because I'm not precisely the singer they wanted.

But whatever, they say shit like that makes you life interesting right?

Anyway, thank you to everyone who greeted me a Happy Birthday. Mucho Luv!

I'm currently trying to complete my fucking phonetics journal that is suddenly due tomorrow and not the 10th of June like that assignment document states. Like fuck. FUCK. I hate writing about mispronounced words, that's all I'm saying.

Also, have eaten a fuck lot of cake yesterday and today. I already feel fatter and rock climbing doesn't have training till a month later or something. I need to go out and do something myself if I'm gonna get any exercise in at all. BAH FUCK MY LIFE. (But of my cake is so GOOOOOOOOOD.)

Want me want me:

2011-05-31T23:25:00.002+08:00

I want to watch the sixth season of Grey's Anatomy within a weekend without having to worry about homework assignments and shit like that.

Geez.

How to

2011-05-25T00:47:00.003+08:00

School's been a mix. I'm upbeat and awesome when all my friends are around. They serve as a constant feed of excitement, conversation and entertainment. Welcome distractions. But when I'm alone, I get the feeling I'm doing many, many things wrong. That I have lost something and there's no way of getting it back. Like I'm trying to pick my way through what I thought were shrubs but have turned out to be massive ass raintrees. When it comes to school work, I'm like feeding off something superficial and tiring. But it's not the problem f the modules or my lecturers and tutors, seriously no. They've all been great. However, my own interpretation of what my next action should be, and how the fuck I'm supposed to show myself off in my assignments. I'm still floating about in limbo like I did during my secondary school days, albeit closer to the ground.

And there's that one thing. I get fucking nauseated when I'm in a situation I can't fix. It makes me want to run away. But what I do instead is stand, smile and act like it doesn't bother me that I'm never been so uncertain about someone's distaste for me in my life. I can't fix it.

I wish my happiness and contentment wasn't so shallow. Maybe I'm still in my rut.

On The Floor

2011-05-20T00:40:00.002+08:00

I'm fucking addicted to this song by J. Lo feat. Pitbull. Something about this song makes me click the replay button reflexively. I think I love the animalistic sound "Tonight we gon' be here on the floor". It makes my adrenaline rush, every time. I FUCKING LOVE IT.

The scars of your love they leave me breathless

2011-05-07T11:54:00.004+08:00

Yesterday at Zara...

Me: I wanna cover Chasing Pavements by Adele, can we try, pleeease?

Shengyuan: That song sucks, I've never heard it. Let's do Rolling in the deep.

Dave: Guys, I think we should just stick to guitar and drums songs.

Me: But Dave, Rolling in the Deep is a percussionist's heaven.

Dave: OHH, okay. *smile*

Brendan: Eh, see see, I can do the wave!

We all want to show off. :)

I gave my sales pitch yesterday during Speech Comm and failed miserably. I firstly realised that I had in fact NOT memorised my script and also, having not ever practiced it, was completely awkward in front of the class. That came as a shock, considering that I've been in debate for four years and done oratory on the side. But when I really think about it, I've never actually memorised an entire speech to be said in front of an audience because I always had cue cards and notes, not to mention a stopwatch. So in that aspect, I have effectively failed as a speaker and shamed my debate teachers in charge, my coaches and my ex-team. Shame x 1000 :(

That aside I think everyone else in my class did extremely well, the inventions, products and many of the names that they came up with were genius. In that sense, my class is a very fun bunch of people and I'm glad that I am where I am now.

After class yesterday I headed to town to meet with the aforementioned bandmates together with Cheryl, Ernwei and Diana (the birthday girl!). Of course everyone else was late aside from me so prior to meeting them I spent twenty minutes in an Ion toilet cubicle fixing up my make up and then proceeded to Sephora to have a look-see at the new products. I'm already eyeing many things so now it's a question of willpower to save money and come through with the purchases. Dinner was lagged because we had to wait really long for a table to fit 8 people (Justin, the boys' friend came later) and I was so tired I actually fell asleep on the chair outside NYDC for a while. Cheryl thought I was sulking when I absolutely was not, tired is tired, sulking is sulking. The two are not the same and cannot be used in united accusation just because my facial expressions for the two are somewhat similar.

I had a disappointing pork loin which reminds me of another conversation snippet-

Me: Where is the extra gravy I asked for (it'd already be a while)

Ernie: Mm, you should call them, tell them your loin is waiting.

Oh, the company I keep :)

Mom wants me to accompany her to vote later. And I've got a fair bit of work to do for school. Mraowr.

I am going to be a self-made millionaire.

2011-05-06T09:51:00.003+08:00

Why on Earth is my printer not working? GAH. I haven't printed out my Radio Production Essay or Sales Pitch yet. Now I have to go through the hassle of transferring everything to a thumbdrive then printing it out using LOVE.

School starts at 3 today so I've got a fair bit of time before I have to leave the house. I'm probably just gonna end up spending most of my time memorising my sales pitch for speech comm and wondering what to wear that could take me from school in the afternoon to Diana's birthday dinner in town tonight. I kinda wish I was in uniform again...

Btw, I want to go shopping so badleh. BAHHHH. Eagerly awaiting MAC's coming collections!

Well oh my me

2011-05-04T23:02:00.004+08:00

Weitian and I. She's super nice and she looks a bit elfin which is pretty :)

I had a very weird dream. I can't remember what it was about but every time I try to recall it I get a weird twisty feeling somewhere in my throat. :(

Had a Writcom tutorial and a Socpsy lecture today. I think I've done pretty well keeping half a brain present for all my classes.

I wore my Temasek Chorale shirt to school today and later changed from my denim shorts to Deborah's Temasek pe shorts. The comfort has spoiled me so, I don't want to dress presentably casual anymore. Also met up with Connie and Klarissa for dinner (I "skipped" rock climbing because it was raining and I thought that would mean it was cancelled. I don't know if it was actually cancelled in the end though... :/ ) We ate at Spize in Simpang Bedok and had the usual awesome chatter. I'm still quite jealous of their being together with many other familiar friends from our previous school but I suppose I have no right to speak because they chose their way and I chose mine.

I think I'm going to the gym with my class girls tomorrow. ZZANG? Exercise is so meh meh.

OOH, and I got my psp back today after I sent it to Ryan after a long shameful story involving ants, insecticide, a lock-lock container and a year's time. It smells like ant stomach acid but I will overcome that with sprays of perfume and plenty of love an attention. Before I do that though, I gotta get me a new battery because mine has swelled and no longer fits in the battery slot.

So many things to buy:

1. Social Psychology textbook

2. 2GB SD card

3. PSP Slim battery

4. Macbook case

5. Lazy shoes that aren't a mustard colour (lucky my wardrobe is mostly neutral)

To do:

1. Final speech for product sales pitch

2. Finish Kate Moss drawing (this has been spread out over a month because I'm so freaking lazy)

3. Read Socpsy tb pages 44-47

4. Fake 140 IQ on IQ test. I am a 125, but I think I should be smarter than being smarter than 92% of the world's population. I'm greedy because I would otherwise be quite worthless.

5. Trim fringe

6. Sleep more

7. Get the fuck off this computer.

Julius be folded

2011-05-01T14:52:00.003+08:00

Is it me or do these photos look like crap despite being taken by chester? Have my hands become shaky?! CHEEBS. Or maybe it's just what they look like in the unpublished blogger entry page. But as you can see, a very adorable Julius Zhu is chilling out in my cupboard by squeezing himself into one of those slots for seperating smaller wardrobe items. And I'm a messy person, that's why my wardrobe looks like...

Playing with make up I might never wear out

2011-04-30T11:18:00.004+08:00

I hardly ever just buy pretty neutrals like soft pink lipsticks and black eyeliner. I get freaky colours and play dress up by myself at home. I wish I could show the true colour of some of the things I buy but my macbook camera sucks and Chester shows my complexion imperfections too clearly (and I have no idea how to use photoshop). OTOKEI? (sp?)

Hum

2011-04-27T21:40:00.003+08:00

I think Macbook photobooth photos are pretty shit, but they're the easiest to take and fastest to upload. Going to upgrade my phone soon, aiming for one with a much better camera. Maybe a sony ericsson, I miss those.

Cheryl.

Abigail, who looks naked.

One of my less naked looking classmates, Audrey.

With Felicia at ourspace@72 aka blackhole of cute boys.

Mom: Laura, did you put the salmon in the fridge?

Me: Salmon for humans or cats?

The cats have become such a big part of our lives that we literally consider them when making food choices my mom makes in the supermarket. I just finished my first assignment for Poly, ever. T'was a 500 word essay cum report on a particular radio station ( I chose 987FM because I've never really listened to anything else). Because I was so out of practice with essay writing (funny, considering I blog quite a bit), I had to break up the writing of my essay among a few days. That resulted in me sacrificing my second rock climbing practice that I had really been looking forward to because they were opening the free fall thing for us to try. It looks bloody fun and I'm secretly in love with the feeling of falling but I refused to let myself hand in my first assignment late so I skipped that to come home early to do it. It sucks that CCA is from 6 to 8 and it takes me over an hour to get home. If I had gone I could've died before finishing off my stupid writing.

We had diagnostic pre-tests today in our first Writing Communication tutorial and I regret not remembering wtf fragment sentences are because my test result took a hit from that.

Sentence Grammar 71%

Punctuation and Mechanics 88%

Usage and Style 87%

Basic Grammar 92%

I'm pretty adept at English based on feel, but when it comes to the technical terms I'm shit.

Also, have been trying to utilise more of my make up collection because I've got lipsticks and glosses just rolling around in the drawers being useless. I originally favoured matte or satin finish lip looks but I think I'm starting to appreciate the look of glossy, sparkly lips. That calls for some shopping but my savings account is suffering from diarrhea so I've got to mix some serious salt and sugar solution fast. The effort I've been putting in to apply my make up everyday (however light) has helped me better appreciate even shitty looking make up done by other women. I mean, they might look messy and incomplete (eyeshadow without mascara?!) or overabundant (like applying foundation with a table spoon) but they try, they put in effort. For that, I find myself respecting them more because I whine to myself when I just have to pat powder over my sunblock even though it takes like 10 seconds (foundation is a supremely boring part of make up for me).

My timetable tomorrow is pretty shit because I have 5 hours of lecture but my school days lasts 9 fucking hours. However, that four hour break does mean that I can skip off to Ikea with my classmates for meatballs.

Tada-tada-ta

2011-04-24T22:42:00.002+08:00

My sister with our freshly bathed catzums.

@ Shengyuan's house

Shengyuan

Wish I had the guts to wear my hair like this to school or out in public.

Chillin' with Dave while he wrecks his brain for lyrics. Bad angle of me but never mind you can see my dimple. Redemption x 10.

@ Connie's

With Norman!

Just some pics to clue you in on my week so far. All the photos were taken in reverse chronological order. If you understand that :D Got some footage of my with the band boys but there're a lot of things said that I don't think they want me to put on the interwebz.

2011-04-18T23:16:00.003+08:00

I hate you for every single time you have abused your right and kicked me out because of your fragile ego. Your self-esteem is so low, so you're always on the defensive. And your selective memory pisses the hell out of me. Using my friends against me. Using all that fucking blackmail. Involving everyone possible so that everyone can hear your sad sad story when you fucked your own life up. Trying to blame me for it. I will remember this. I will remember all of this and you will one day be at my mercy.

I cannot respect a person with an ungovernable temper.

Breakdown

2011-04-18T21:19:00.004+08:00

I met my class at school today and all of them have left really good first impressions :) We're going to the Art and Science Museum at Marina Bay Sands tomorrow so that calls for a smart outfit that I'm not ready to pick out. The class is having lunch together after the museum tour and that makes me feel real good about the next six months I'm going to spend with them.

I tried the Hipstality on them today, I think they all secretly love it but are too weirded out by me to admit it. Oh, I also auditioned for Radio Heatwave but I'm afraid I might've spoken too quickly. Because I didn't feel nervous enough before I auditioned I failed to pre-empt the rapid fire "hello, I'm audition number 25, my name is Laura and I'm from Mass Communications (etc etc)" and take note of my pace. If I don't get in, I'll always have rock climbing. The girls have teased me mercilessly over the rock climbing thing...

Do you notice the effort I'm making to write more on this blog? :) Wish I could put lots of pictures in my posts but Chester is too heavy to carry around everywhere and uploading photos on blogger is a pain in the arse.

Dreamz unlimited

2011-04-17T23:52:00.003+08:00

I wore Klarissa's Phoenix T-shirt to school for my first day of orientation. Photos of my face make me wish my nose wasn't so damn short. But we all have features of dissatisfaction right? I think I'll live through it.

Dave and Cheryl came over in the morning today and stayed just till evening when I had to leave for dinner with Deborah, Klarissa, Lixuan and Charlyn. D, C and I had a Mac's breakfast, a first in a while, and proceeded to spend about an hour trying to decide on which perfume to buy in The Body Shop (Buy 2 get 1 Free offer, I'm a singaporean, I couldn't resist.) Cheryl consulted Mom for some tuition and Dave spent a fair bit of time playing with Julius' furry belly. Norman has found a new hang out place at the top of the grey shelf in the storage area.

Dinner with the girls was quintessential gossip time with some awesome and some sub-standard grub from Swensen's. Yoghurt at Sogurt followed together with plenty more chatter. It's awesome people like that make days in my life awesome even in the face of all the petty drama at home. I have school in 8 or so hours. I need sleep.

FMS Orientation

2011-04-16T20:57:00.004+08:00

I'm currently trying to clear a corner for myself in the third bedroom to put my desk in so that I can get a wireless signal on my notebooks and have my work and everything in the same place. Just so you know, my table is pretty big, So that means that I've got a lot of space to make. So far I have moved two big ikea boxes (the ones you buy and fold yourself) worth of Mom's History files and books, and hundreds of copies of the assesment book she wrote years ago. I'm trying to create something of an office from this place, just like it used to be. Since she refuses to actively use this room for anything aside from storage, I thought I could at least make it the central space for printing and scanning in this house. That, and a workspace for me :) Also trying to find space to put all my magazines because they're in a rather ulu part of my house. Seeing as magazines are the only other thing I collect than books and make up, and all the covers are pretty, I thought I should do them some justice and display them. Maybe I should buy another shelf?

On an unrelated note, I went to school for orientation yesterday with Felicia and Hannah. None of us were placed in the same orientation group (or class for that matter) but I was pretty happy with where I was. I seem to have affinity with the colour yellow, even if it does not look good on me, because I was placed in X-Men and the sub-tribe Storm (we were decidedly un-Storm-ish). My OGL, Sherry (sp?) was lovely, very nice and very funny There were quite a few people from the FMS Bonding camp that took place earlier and they were nice enough not to talk solely about that and involved the rest of the members (fresher freshies) when they did recount the events then. I know how to spell almost none of their names, though, so I'll thank them in a later post when I can do them justice. There was a lot of running around, a lot of sweating and talking and joking. I wish I could have been more upbeat then because I felt that that would have left a better impression on them but I was functioning on 5 or so hours of sleep and unlike many boast to be, I cannot be who I often am without at least 8 hours of shut-eye. I felt relatively comfortable compared to many other social situations because everyone was nice to everyone and there was constant chatter which prevented any awkwardness. I'd say the day at school went pretty well, Storm won the Amazing Race (despite not finishing the most number tasks- we finished 13 and got back to the convention centre on time), that got us free movie tickets and I made friends with people who make wonderful conversation and are unabashedly enthusiastic about things like "amazing races". Being someone who usually prefers to "lepak one corner" or progress at snail's pace for want of enthusiasm (and being surrounded by people of similar attitude), I appreciated the change, the feeling of heartily involving myself in a school event I have many times in the past considered lame because keeping pace with people who don't act cool regarding these things was mighty refreshing. Also I probably burnt more calories at once than I have since... ever.

Dinner had a pre-lude of shitty courtesy but I don't want to talk about that here because ranting has an expiry date. Dinner was mostly pleasant.

If you open my blog page...

2011-04-12T23:48:00.003+08:00

And instead of seeing the headache inducing red you are accustomed to, you see a white, green, bland monstrosity, you are not hallucinating.

I freaking loved my red background but it's been five or so years and Cheryl apparently gets a headache ten seconds in. So here's my correction to that. Additionally, I think it's about time I somehow personalised my blog with smaller but more unique accents instead of just assaulting your vision all the time. I have no idea how I'm gonna include "unique accents" because I don't know what constitutes such in the first place. So wait for it, this page might change again. It might become pretty!

Warning: I have zero experience in html so whatever I come up with might not actually be that nice. But still, you'll love this blog right?

p/s I actually feel quite sad about changing the background. I really did love the red... But I decided it's been too long. I'm about to embark on a new chapter in my life, Porytannic. Apparently, people say it's like the real world except that you get grades for it instead of pay.

Miracle

2011-04-11T01:22:00.003+08:00

There's nothing miraculous about my situation now. But the song I'm listening to now IS called so. <3 U-Kiss forever.

I think I'm somewhat getting out of my rut. I'm trying to come up with a new organisation system for my work area but I'm having a rough time cos my mother signed up for cable broadband which is has to be placed in the living room instead of the middle room like our previous wireless broadband plan and my desk is not very near which results in a less than stellar connection. My Mac book, still un-named (very unlike my other gadgets that were quickly christened), sometimes lapses in connection and LOVE, my acer receives no signal at all. To be fair, LOVE is 6 years old. I know it's a little tacky to name your computer Love and even tackier to have all letters in uppercase, but I didn't know that three years ago so -.

I went half-ass shopping with connie today. I have all my different friends for several different reason- Connie is a bobo cha cha stocked yacht drifting some ways on the sunset sea. Familiar, a little scary sometimes (I cannot swim, so in worst case scenarios... ), but all in all comforting and calm. Picked up my long-reserved maxi skirt and some floral shit I hardly fancied before. It's been a while since I was aware of the seasons but all this magazine reading has made me subconsciously gravitate towards Spring-y, flowery things. Also bought me an eyelash serum because I feel like my cat allergy might sap the health out of my originally already substandard fringe of lashes and make removing mascara a nightmare.

(I think I'm gonna think up more descriptions of more of my friends like the one I did for Connie because every flashy person must have a flashy way of introducing friends.)

I'll be going for my school orientation soon. I'm not sure how I feel about it because I'm still kind of in my rut and I don't know how long I'll take to effectively pick myself up and move on. Starting school while feeling down doesn't sound good at all.

Might have gotten me two sun spots. A lot of worry. Sunblock now x2.

My life sucks because:

2011-04-10T10:18:00.001+08:00

My skin is flawed

My sister won't answer my calls and my mother's paranoia is rubbing off on me

My pay is such a complicated issue

Charcoal

2011-04-10T01:39:00.002+08:00

I rarely hate myself to a significant extent because most of the time, I get by with bullshit to justify my behaviour.

If you have scars, you might wanna check out how to make them fade because there's a possibility that time alone won't heal them. I put this off for months and now I am praying that five months isn't five months too long for silicone and vitamin E. But that's just what the internet is telling me. Maybe I'll go see a doctor.

This makes me feel so ugly.

I regret this severely.

Rutty rut rut

2011-04-10T01:22:00.005+08:00

I cannot start school while in this rut. So I better get out. Quick.

Also thank you to Dave for being a source of realistic emotional diagnosis. Gonna meet Conners tomorrow.

Quite slowly

2011-04-09T15:27:00.002+08:00

I've been quite lost lately, unsure of my direction, unsure of what I should do at any given moment. The pay fiasco left me quite deflated because I was so looking forward to checking my bank balance before the 7th of April came. And when it did, I saw a sum like an anorexic reflection of the work I did. I called my boss and I think we've come to something of a resolution. The daily planner will be reviewed and investigated by the management and they will decide whether or not and how much to pay me. That depresses me, because where I worked is a MASSIVE chain and like Dave said there're shitloads of Standard Operating Procedures involved. That results in a slower movement of events when you're a small fry of an ex-part-timer like me. They don't have a vested interest in me because I no longer serve the company. And even if I still did, it would mean nothing to them because they can easily replace me with the hundreds of other potential part-timers looking for a job. It's my rude awakening to the reality of the working world and I have a feeling I have barely scratched the tip of the ice berg. However, this doesn't mean I've given up. Having been left out of the timesheet does not discount the fact that I worked those hours. It just means I'm gonna have to bother my ex-boss a significant deal more than any of the others have.

I'm so lost. There're a million more things I could say but I can't bring myself to. I'm just glad that I know I have people who love and support me even though I'm a serial whiner. I wish I was a BAMF, I might then feel better about myself. But as of now, I don't even know my true personal definition of that.

No one is worth that much trust

2011-04-08T14:40:00.002+08:00

Never ever get anyone to write your time sheet/ punch your card at work for you. Do it you fucking self. Because no one will care enough about your pay to make sure that your name and duration of work is meticulously recorded. They can easily forget to double check your name against the daily planner, hence completely disregarding the 8 hours of work you did that day and depriving you of that pay. It's also your fault that you were careless enough to put this in the hands of someone else, people you hardly know and will never see outside your job. I paid $110 to learn that lesson.

Already I'm working hard to see this optimistically. This is a lesson and at least it's only a hundred and ten dollars, only about 16 hours of work. 16 hours of walking, carrying clothes, appeasing bitches at the store front. It's not a big deal. I'll make that money back doubly fast when I get a real job. I'm very good at comforting myself, so I'll get through this fine.

So why am I still so fucking angry?

ZANG!

2011-03-27T02:37:00.003+08:00

I just realised how fucking long the post I just published is. HAHAHA. I suggest you read it when you are fucking boh liao and do not already have a headache. You might not survive it otherwise. Also, should I change the background colour of my blog? I just got a headache looking at it.

You're not the royal highness you think you are

2011-03-27T00:51:00.000+08:00

After too many jabs at K-pop and it's supposed inferiority to (insert "English" genre of music here) I was inspired to post this on facebook

"Contrary to popular belief, it is possible for one person to like K-pop, Mando-pop and a million other genres of music in English at the same time. Just because 50 people agree with your personal standard for music (classic rock, screamo, rock, pop) doesn't mean that you represent the majority, and even if you do, it doesn't mean that the whole has to live by that standard. So please, widen your mind or STFU"

What is real music? What is good music? Who the fuck made you the king of anything so as to authorise you to standardise the concept of music?

This mainly stems from the problem of plentiful bashing of K-pop in the general realms of youtube and facebook, particularly in the former. I've known forever that prejudice exists everydamnwhere and I know for sure that I'm guilty of prejudice in my own ways. That I believe, in my defense, cannot be helped as all of us are made to see things differently and support our own personal preferences. But ever since I immersed myself in K-pop culture, the prevalence of musical prejudice has just about rammed me in the face with a sledge hammer. K-pop is the special genre that has brought this issue to my attention because while it is the trendy thing to like, it is also the trendy thing to hate. In another era, I might be writing something like this but swap K-pop for Canto-pop or Punk Rock. This means that what the specific genre under fire is, is unimportant but the essentials of the principles I follow are classic.

Frankly, quite a number of my friends are against listening to k-pop or listening to music in any language other than our first language, English. Their rationale behind disliking it is "You don't even know what they're singing. So how can you like it? So stupid."

It's true, I hardly know the meanings behind most of the Korean songs I listen to at first. I do tend to search the English translations of the songs when I've decided that I like the song enough to bother. But generally, I can listen to a song and not give a shit what it means in written language. This is because I don't place that much emphasis on the meaning of lyrics when I don't already understand it. Korean, to me is one of the most melodious spoken languages I've been acquainted with, so instead of placing a lot of importance on what lyrics mean in a song, I care more about what the pronunciation of the lyrics adds to the song. I may not understand shit about the lyrics, but listening to the lyrics of it gives me a way to follow along with the song because I'm so used to singing.

So that aside, I want to ask the K-pop opposition: Do you really take note of and listen to the lyrics of every English song you have heard? Do you understand the full extent of the lyrics in every song that you like? Do you enjoy listening to T-pain or Pitbull (I cannot tell between the two cos I don't really know who they are) rap about "I'm still dancing on top of your girl" because you appreciate the lyrics, or because of the damn groovy beat that comes with the words? Then what about classical orchestra music- The songs wholly without words?

Do you listen to Canon in D and think "WTF, what a stupid song I don't know anything about musical theory and the influences of this song, I DON'T LIKE IT." Of course, having no words, the meaning is more open to interpretation and therefore to general appreciation. But if I think of voices singing foreign lyrics purely as a component of a song like guitar, then does it not effectively eliminate the argument of "I don't understand it so I cannot like it"? I can choose to ignore the linguistic implications or weight of the words.

Same thing goes for poetry. You think every single word written in every poem is pre-destined by the poet? No, speaking from my personal experience with poetry, the harmony of words' meanings and their sounds are coincidences and phrases coined together previously then stored in the recesses of my mind, waiting for a chance to be used. This is how I have written bulk of my poetry and no one has ever questioned the definitive, rightful place of each word at wherever in the poem it may be. So why the double standard?

Laughing at people for liking things they don't understand are just another way to assert your authority over them because you apparently have attained superior grasp of the knowledge within your possession. And if you want all your music to come fully packaged, with meaningful lyrics and beautiful tracks then also ask yourself. What the fuck are meaningful lyrics and what defines a beautiful track? If you have a brain, you will realise that there is hard and fast rule for it, it's up to each individual to decide for themselves. So in the meantime, who the fuck are you to belittle them for appreciating things in a different way from you?

That said, I am actually more critical of music with English lyrics than that in any other language out of my grasp because it is to much within my grasp. The understanding of one thing leads to greater scrutiny of anything that falls into its category, I believe, so I am definitely more reflexively aware of the meanings in English songs. As such, I am more disposed to filter out songs that don't suit my taste based on lyrics and not just the instruments and beats. Listening to K-pop liberates that side of me and honestly, I'm not bothered to understand all of their meanings because I know some of their lyrics are quite horrifyingly superficial or cheest (to me. I might not tolerate listening to it if I knew the meaning) and I'd rather be saved the disappointment if I have already fallen for every other aspect of the song.

Please note that when I talk about appreciating things in whichever way you want and doing whatever and believing whatever the fuck you want, I speak within the confines of not hurting anybody around you. If your true self is a murder, please don't go around murdering people just because it is the only thing that makes you feel good. In the end, this world was made for every single one of us, no one deserves a spot more than anyone else, unless of course, you attempt to take that right away from someone else first.

Pretty good right, for a comeback post? I actually started writing this post like weeks ago and only picked up again on my inspiration today after a significant number of "Why haven't you blogged?"s from Cheryl and Connie. I decided that I'd procrastinated enough and that it was about time I published this.

Removal

2011-03-16T02:53:00.003+08:00

Removed my last blog post because I realised it was unsightly to go to my blog page and see my face in all it's dry, itchy glory. Will restart applying make up so that I can trick you all into thinking that I have perfect skin, big eyes and healthy, pink-tinted lips.

Went out today for an audition for a band competition/concert at NJC. I don't know what the event is called or when exactly it will be held (the girl said just now, but clearly I forgot). After that I tagged along like the portable lamp post that I am with two of my closest peeps. Read a bit, napped. Awoke to a splitting ass headache, the result of a fever that followed my mega-undesirable sore throat. Traveled to Tanjong Pagar to meet Dave's party. Walked to a nearby restaurant and celebrated my drummer's birthday with a salad-y pizza dinner. Acted cute. Made people wanna punch me. Went to dave's house and basked in the oddly gratifying sound of club music with a stoned expression while people around me played monopoly deal. Mom and I went home after the former had a good talk with Cheryl about future careers and jc subjects. My mom likes all my friends very much, and talks with them much better than she does with me. Even with my void-deck pseudo-matreps.

Got suan-ed by everyone all day, as is the usual practice when I'm with my band. Now nursing a bruised ego because I forgot a line in 'When you're looking like that'.

Whine whine whine

2011-03-10T11:42:00.003+08:00

"OOH OOH AHH, ANYTHING TO MAKE THE POI-OINT" My family has a new song. (Y)

Why don't you answer the phone?

2011-03-01T00:06:00.003+08:00

It's twelve, I am not yet asleep and superior just asked me if I can come in for work at 8 instead of 10. I said yes. WHY? It's just $14 more.

Morning Routine

2011-02-24T01:47:00.002+08:00

Norman wakes me up everyday because he can climb up my bed's ladder like a human being. He subjects me to cat breath by meowing directly into my face/nose by standing on my chest.

I'm just glad it ain't Julius standing on my chest, he is fucking heavy - I would suffocate.

Have recently been functioning on little sleep and a fair bit of work. I think I've earned me a decent amount of money for the month. Which works out nice cos it's only been a little over 2 weeks. Shame though, the minute I hit $500 I have 10% wired to my CPF and I could really use lots of cash now...

Went to CJC today to visit a bunch of lovely people. Had dinner later with Cheryl, Dave, Debra, James and Amos at Sakae Sushi. Sashimi and Tempura are staple in my Japanese diet. Good times, cos everyone I keep close to now gets along well with everyone else. I feel very at east knowing that I'm surrounded and supported by easygoing people who love me despite all the drama in my general behaviour and bullshit in dodgier aspects of my life.

I bought a night cream for my face from The Body Shop and am loving it so far. Face has had less dry spots and scratchy skin ever since I stopped using the Derma E Day Cream. Disappointed because it always made my skin feel really good right after application. I'm currently really into researching skincare because I think my skin has never looked worse. Am going to invest in some reportedly good stuff once I get my pay. Also read in Herworld that dry patches on the face can indicate eczema or a vitamin C deficiency so I'm gonna load up on the citrus fruits and pray to God that it's not eczema. Because that can never be cured.

Work's been so-so thus far. It's not an exciting job but not boring either. I do generally the same thing every time but it's okay cos my colleagues are pretty pleasant. My favourite activity is running which is definitely not the exercise kind, rather, the transporting of clothes from the fitting rooms to their respective racks. I hate the bottom wear hangers and suck at folding clothes. That pretty much sums up my work experience so far. No nutty customers, no super nice customers. I go there with the intention to making money and making sure I don't piss my bosses off. I think I sometimes fail at the latter...

Am currently reading Wonders of a Godless World, a book that Connie bought me on our last trip to Times. It's intriguing so far and I'm withholding my overall judgement. But I can say it's pretty enjoyable to read. Not because it's happy but due to a steady allusion I sense to the state of our world today. And the changes in perspective are very refreshing. Am reading it with a lot of hope. The cover art's really pretty too.

Do I sound stupid? Maybe I am. You shall all have to settle on this for now. Be back soon with a reconstituted brain. Hopefully.

2011-02-03T19:59:00.002+08:00

Don't ever keep cats unless you are freaking careful and mindful of all your possessions and are willing to let some special things go for the sake of your fucking furry shits. Norman and/or Julius unraveled a green scarf I was knitting and totally messed up a brand new ball of blue wool yarn. I'm angrier than the time I found silverfish in my synthetic yarn. But it sucks because I know they're cats and I can't hold this against them because they're only doing what's natural as domestic fuckers. So I'm just trying to repress all the anger and pray that I won't do anything mean to them. I did kick that blue box for travelling while Julius was lying in it though, so I guess that's mean. Feel really bad but still furious. What to do!

Juliette Oh!

2011-02-01T01:02:00.005+08:00

Went to Planet Jurong for my job training today. Yusuf and I sat on the train for a really long time and fortunately had seats the entire way and there were substantial empty seats from alighted passengers every time an elderly person stepped on. Had Ryan and Andre sit diagonally across me for the first part of the ride which filled the random meeting quota of the day.

Cut to the evening, I met Dave at Toa Payoh to have dinner in town. I read more of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies while standing the entire train journey from Jurong East to the aforementioned stop. I stood so long and felt so tired by then I thought my back might break from the effort of remaining upright. D and I ate at some Expat Market which had a crowd so small, I hope for its continuity that I just came at a good time. Beef lasagne and Salmon Sashimi made up my dinner and it was so filling it's 5 hours since I ate and I still have not any appetite. If you have any idea how much I can eat in a day, you'll know that that's a big deal. Hung out with Dave at his place till 11-ish after that. It was only the two of us because damn Cheryl decided to dao me very exasperatedly "ARHG, better not meet today cos everything is clashing!" Emo-ed for the rest of the night. Feel guilty now for not adopting a more agreeable disposition and basically infecting Dave's room with my contagious dismal mood.

What I've been passing my time with these days is a nice little mix of alternative, classic rock, k-pop, off-tune pseudo covers of Kelly Clarkson songs by yours truly, reading, and K-dramas (Secret Garden, Dream High, My Princess).

In other news regarding my very unimpressive life, the evil sister's cat, Norman has recently acquired the skill of climbing the double decker bed ladder like a human being and camping out on the foot of my bed early in the morning. Norman either likes to be high up or really likes me.

Posting results

2011-01-28T14:44:00.003+08:00

I've been offered places in Ngee Ann Poly. One in Film, Sound and Video under JAE. Another in Mass Communications under JPSAE. Clearly, I'm going to take Mass Comms because it was also my first JAE choice. So relieved that I got that place after I saw my disappointing JAE result text message- I actually cried tears of joy when I saw my result on the JPSAE site :')

Woke at 6.30am yesterday to attend a job interview at Novena. Have been selected for job training, so yay! :D

Spoiled argument

2011-01-24T22:58:00.003+08:00

I forgot to lock my mother's bedroom door before I left the house today and as a result was scolded all day through the phone while hanging out with Cheryl. I did feel bad that I was causing her anxiety but she shot herself in the foot. She just called to scold me some more and guess what she said at the end.

"If anything is missing from my bedroom, be it a ring or some money, I'm going to hold you responsible."

WELL LET'S JUST ALL GO AND FUCK LOGIC.

Still bitter

2011-01-23T01:50:00.004+08:00

Thinking about you and the effects of your temper, the number of things you've intentionally damaged to spite me, the false accusations you've hurled at me, all the blaming you've done makes me want to burn all of your possessions. I'd like to think that decency keeps me from doing that. Occasionally, before I go to sleep, I somehow hope that something horrible will happen to you tomorrow. But in the end, I berate myself for entertaining those thoughts, because I'm just not evil like you. I admit, I'm still bitter over all your shit so I'll confess one more thing, it makes me damn happy to hear you cry in all your this-is-too-much-for-me-to-take glory. I hope you're having as hard a time as I am trying not to hurt you.

Because we love and we hate

2011-01-21T14:00:00.004+08:00

Had a good week. Had my first phone call with one of my favourite people in a long time after a misunderstanding. There's no relief like knowing that someone you miss hasn't closed up to you after you two basically had a cold war.

What I did on Wednesday:

Arrived at Dave's place two hours late to hang out and discuss songs with him, Sheng Yuan and Cheryl. Ate fail chicken rice Learned how to play some guitar from SY. Hurt my left finger tips (pout). Made fun of everyone. Attempted to wail like 3 rock singers. Failed to wail like all 3 rock singers. "The who?" Celebrated Shadi's birthday with aforementioned people and coffee cake. Taught Shadi how to bring food to his mouth and not the other way around. Stayed over at Cheryl's place. Prepared my portfolio with a great deal of help from Cheryl, thank God for her.

I'm sorry, I can't remember everything from Wednesday. This is afterall a collective recount.

What I did on Thursday:

Left Cheryl's house with half of portfolio, borrowed leggings and tremulous anticipation. Returned home to finish portfolio. Got lots of interview advice from Mom. Met Dave and SY at Century Square. Boys had tea. Set off for Ngee Ann Freakin' Far Poly with SY. Acted like a dumb ass on the train. Had several mini freak outs + make up checks before interview. Made friends with the people sitting on either side of me during the wait. Had interview. Came out of interview. Mega sigh. Dropped off SY's guitar at his place. Had dinner. Finished only my soup cos the noodles were too damn slippery for me to bother eating all. Met Dave and Cheryl at Ngee Ann City after a lot of co-ordination fuss. Dave and Cheryl pissed off that we already ate. Ignored by Dave and Cheryl for a grand total of 45 seconds. Too much walking in a food court + bad xlb that was pricier than Din Tai Fung's (preposterous). Met Ern Wei! Played with Ern Wei's incoherent charm bracelet. Everyone started yawning so we departed.

Friday:

Frikkin' awesome day out with Klarissa and Deborah. Everyone was late except for K. We ate yumstuff at Cafe Cartel. And caught up on all the goss. Walked to Bobo's condo from Siglap and met a cocker spaniel + pomenarian mix otw. Cutest little shit evar. It had ears that flopped up and down when it walked. Couldn't resist feeling the dog's pure white fur. Couldn't touch Klarissa. I will get the cat equivalent of that massively puffy furry dog in the future. Got to know D's Nikon DSLR. Shallow way to spend the day, but times like this make me feel secure and loved. Left D's house feeling good but had a progressive bad mood as I reached the bus stop and pursued the road home. I don't know what came over me, but I felt a deep sense of... nothing. Curt sms replies for all. Emo tweets. Eavesdropped on a matrep that could work as a motivational speaker at Adam Khoo on the bus.

I started this blog post on Thursday and am only finishing on Sunday morning. I feel like I've lost my motivation to blog. Hope it's only temporary.

Am I late?

2011-01-16T17:00:00.004+08:00

I'm well aware that I'm six days late in reporting my o level results but the whirlwind of open houses, discussions, tears and regret distracted me from writing a quick word here.

English - A1
E Maths - B3
Comb. Humanities - B3
Comb. Science - A2
Art - B3
PoA - C5
Chinese - C5

Yay for English and Science, smlj at Maths and Art. Heng to Combined Humanities because I didn't touch a 12 mark SEQ in my SS paper. With my late input of effort, I suppose I couldn't ask for too much.

Because I'm too lazy to record my emotions from that day on, I shall just skip right to courses I have applied to for the next step in my education.

1. Mass Communications at NP (because it's what I want fated for me)

2. Film, Sound and Video at NP (because I might need to transfer into mass comm from here)

3. Psychology at TP (because I can still go into most arts and social sciences degrees from here even if I didn't make the previous cut-off)

4. Mass Comm at TP (because mom said not to make this my second choice)

5. Apparel Merchandising and Design at TP (because if I can't get into any of the above, I at least have a minute chance of rocking at this)

No jc courses because I won't pass up good poly courses for the sub par jc courses that my ugly L1R5 can get me into.

Went to Lucius' house yesterday with Cheryl and Dave to hang out. A good time to at the very least slightly balance out the drama that took place at home the night before. The demonic sister threw her mightiest tantrum yet and cried like a professional mourner. Over-reacted and tried to beat me up when I attempted to comfort her in attempt to shut her up. I admit, I was a insensitive and irresponsible. But she left the door open in the belief that I was going into the room immediately. She arrogantly stated that she as the mother of the cats would always consider the worst case scenario. But she went to sleep immediately without closing the door so we can all see how very careful and mindful of worst case scenarios she is. She put the entire blame on me that Norman fell four storeys out of the dining area window. I am effectively stripped of all responsibility over the cats even though I came home early that day to feed the cats because she left the house early. Also, because she always takes note of worst case scenarios, she took for granted I would only leave the house late (I didn't) and so the cats went hungry for some hours.

Before she went full-on batshit insane, I thought I felt sorry towards her but after she did, I only felt sorry towards Norman. And I've same my due apologies to him and Julius for distressing him.

After I went to sleep after she declared she wouldn't care if I fell out of the window and broke my leg/broke my eye sockets/died, she poured water all over the clothes and bags around my table and on my bed, because she commands respect like that. Funny how she missed the printer that is also under my table, even when blinded by rage she can discern things she needs to keep in good condition.

Uncanny resemblance to mom. They have about the same temper, form of revenge, ability to see joint-responsibility when it works against them and rightful pride as mothers. Not to mention, they are the queens of unspoken rules. They both have exprience in breaking phones out of anger, pushing MY things off my desk out of anger at me. The two of them can also say very spiteful things when they're angry and mean them! Both are also very academically-focused and can study very hard. And best of all, they sound about the same when they go crazy. Seriously, the sister has a lower voice than mom, but when she's mad, she puts my falsetto to shame as mom always does.

Friends, see how your lives are so much better than mine?

p/s Norman did not break a leg, it's just swollen, probably because he didn't land properly because he is a kitten and his perception of depth is not quite sophisticated as a full-grown cat's. He will be taking antibiotics, administered by the future doctor who went insane (Imagine if she throws a tantrum like that at a hospital or something, hello letter of dismissal!). Norman should recover in due time :)

Losing losing

2011-01-09T15:07:00.002+08:00

I feel like I'm going crazy. What from, I cannot ascertain. It's as if my mind is going a bit blank and a bit dull from the anticipation of my O level results, worriment over my future and frustration over the improbability that I will ever find a good enough host to watch We Got Married episodes on, WITH DECENT SUBTITLES. There's also the sudden $92 charged to me by the school. This is causing me a lot of confusion because my mother received a letter from the MOE that stated my school fees balance to be $58. She paid that at school last week and just the other day, I got a message from Mr Toh that said "Hi Laura, u still owe the school money. Can u pls bring $92.94 as payment b4 you collect your results on Monday? Thks!"

If I didn't get a letter from the MOE saying that I needed to pay that money, then should I have to? Janice wrote on Facebook something concerning school fees. Apparently she still owed the school a lot of money despite her dad having settled the bill. This of course begs the question: WHERE THE FUCK ARE ALL THESE BILLS COMING FROM? Timothy commented that he once had the same problem and when he showed the general office the receipt of having paid previous bills, he didn't have to pay anymore. So what's going on? Is the school not taking proper procedures to finish records on school fees that student have paid? Is my $92 bill extra cost- money that is assumed to be unpaid because of improper recording? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? I DON'T WANT MY MOM TO PAY $92 THAT SHE DOES NOT OWE THE SCHOOL. I mean, if $58 is all that the MOE charged us in the letter, why does the school manage to chalk up another amount? The school, isn't in charge of billing, the MOE is. The general office is simply a bridge to have the money wired to the Ministry. I'm freaing confused right now, and I can't ask Mr Toh because I highly doubt he will know, he's just relaying messages from the general office.

Fuck this.

Anyway, on a less depressing note but still depressing nonetheless. I'm going to receive my results tomorrow and I'm supposed to stayover at Klarissa's house tonight. I was super excited about the stayover and fretting together with Li Xuan and Charlyn and Klarissa because then I wouldn't have to worry by myself. Well, I was super excited until the stupid fucking bill came up and because the MOE's phoneline is not open on sunday, I can't contact them regarding my fucked up bill. Now I need to be home by 10 on monday morning to call the MOE with my mom and that all sounds a tiny bit rushed even though I techinically have a lot of time. AH FUCK. I NEED TO CHECK THE LETTERBOX NOW, MAYBE THE $92 BILL CAME THROUGH FROM THE MOE. STUPID FUCKING SHIT. And mom threw the $58 bill letter away even though she kept the receipt for that payment but that means that we cannot corroborate the two documents to show that THAT IS ALL WE OWE IN TERMS OF SCHOOL FEES.

AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGHHHHHH WHY IS THIS ALL SO STRESSFUL. FUCCCKKK.

Update photos

2011-01-05T16:32:00.000+08:00

Mom wanted to go to the Universal Studios a while back so we drove to Resorts World and had lunch at Chilli's. Disappointing lack of of chilli flakes and variety of peppers. The waitress told us very condescendingly that "This is a foreign chain so we do not serve things like that, we have chilli sauce or hot sauce if you want." My goodness, I must have been living all my life under the false impression that Mexicans enjoyed the whole range of southern american chillies. Guess they only really eat fucking Tobasco and Maggi Chilli sauce.

Chicken Quesidillas. Chicken was unspectacular, I expected a marinade at the very least.

Cam-whored with my beautiful albeit crazy mother.

But we couldn't get in the USS because all the tickets were sold out that day. We made a second trip and ate at the unspectacular burger joint in the Hollywood area.

We didn't take many pictures after the meal. We sat some petra-glider ride that was less than a minute long but fun enough because I felt like I was gonna slip sideways off my seat and tumble onto the crowd on the ground. Possibly break someone's neck, fun stuff. Also watched a water and pyrotechnics show that was a little cheesy and endearing to me even though I suspect it was meant to be an exciting action thriller. Never mind, at least it left a good impression on me right?

All in all, we spent too little time at the USS to really enjoy all its value. Didn't get to ride the indoor rollercoaster at the Mummy thing because mom found out from the Dino ride that she's got a problem with motion sickness. Never mind, though, I 'll ride it sometime soon.

Don't let them see you cry

2010-12-26T18:34:00.004+08:00

I believe I'm at the frayed ends of a relationship with one of my oldest friends. What was once a well oiled rapport has broken down. I won't admit to having been the best friend ever but what I don't want to receive is sporadic communication. If I've done something to make you feel wronged, I want to be confronted because otherwise, neither of us have closure on anything. We can't look or move forward from there because there will always be that chasm that wasn't paved. That leaves us hanging. It's uncomfortable and works against any sentiment in me that motivates me to remain friends. Don't get me wrong, I still love this friend very much and I reckon no amount of time will ever change in my mind the memory of her being one of my favourite people in the world.

But old feelings can only get so far. I can only justify you pushing me away and ignoring me for extended periods of time on so many occasions. I don't doubt that you're busy and that you have several charges laid against me. But think about how bewildered you would feel if one friend you thought would always be there for you deigned not to return your calls or messages. I'm sure this isn't the kind of treatment you serve all your other friends which is why my reception of it says something about how you see me. Maybe we ran out of things to say and no more compelling conversations could urge you to take much effort in clearing things up with me. Whatever it is, I'm glad that you're in the position that you are and that you have friends who clearly love you and can be the kind of friends you need.

Goodbye Tessa

To fail effortlessly

2010-12-20T21:55:00.002+08:00

I've been down with the flu these few days and it has kept me in the house. Until an hour ago, I felt perfectly fine about staying home so much. Now, I feel uncomfortably insulated; What from, I don't know but when did logic and lucidity ever have anything to do with emotions?

I want to go out. So I called Haziq who cannot make it because he's just returned and is probably tired from a holiday somewhere. I also turned away Cheryl and Dave when they wanted to come over just now so I feel a little bad about that :(

I need some sort of variety. Relief of sorts and something to engage me mentally. Of late, I have accomplished nothing save for the completion of Boys over Flowers and Personal Taste and U-Kiss's Vampire which is a fucking reality tv show. I feel like half my brain has melted and if I tip my head over, the liquid contents will waste no time in spilling onto the floor.

I wish I hadn't finished all the sappy, happy tv shows so soon. I've been reading The House of Special Purpose at a snail's pace because there is little to be happy about when perusing that book. There is no humour, little joy. It's just like a very great load of depression packed into hundreds of sheets of paper. Fucking sad shit. I don't know how anyone can write a book so depressing. I don't know how I've even managed to make it this far in the book. I should just give up and start on Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie. But no, commitment wills that I see this story to the end. Pfft.

Also do not know why I've been so cold to a lot of people lately. People are pursuing my friendship under the impression that I'm the happy little shit that I was a couple of weeks ago. And I feel bad for disappointing them with my lacklustre presence. Maybe I need to get high again to make me worth talking to.

Sworn off dread

2010-12-15T15:32:00.002+08:00

It's quite depressing for me to go to my favourite make up websites now. It's not that my love for superficial shit like make up and clothes have decreased at all. It's the fact that trawling all these sites are a reminder of my irresponsibility before my O levels. I used to spend shitloads of time just staring at lipglosses and lipsticks at very regular intervals while I was studying for the exams. It was my guilty pleasure and my source of instant gratification. Now I feel really really bad for not having put my academics first in the preparation time. Fuck...

Cinderel-LAH!

2010-12-12T15:40:00.002+08:00

Went to my first pantomine at the Esplanade last night. The journery there was tense as fuck because of a load of misunderstandings and my famly is generally generates a lot of tension when packed into one car. My stepfather arrived one night ago, so that's an addition to the dining table (that we rarely keep). The pantomine itself was fun, a lot of shouting and interaction though like my sister rightly states, it's probably better suited for kids. Alternatively, though, you could see it as a chance for adults to act like kids because some of the humour was defnitely more grown-up appropriate.

Recent additions to the house also include a pair of ginger kittens my sister adopted from a friend who had taken in a heavily pregnnt cat. They're both boy cats and are named Julius and Norman. Julius because my mother suggested naming out cats after political leaders/powerful figures in history. Normal because my sister likes that name. They like to invade places that we deem out of bound and topple guitars. They also smell like Lavender and Rosemary.

Have not been reading much, but instead been spending a shitload of time watching Korean dramas. Finished Boys over Flowers and restarted watching it. I'm now watching Personal Taste because I CANNOT GET ENOUGH OF LEE MINHO. I'm so happy now that I've seen him in person.

Oh and on a more depressing note, I went for the JYP audition and sang Rehab by Amy Winehouse. I was hardly nervous before auditioning but the moment I stood alone in front of the judges, my heart was in my throat. I sang as I do normally which Li xuan says is good, but she also said that I was stiff and shit (due to nervousness) which is not good. Li xuan danced freaking sexy without being slutty, so that's good. I don't feel confident about my audition so thinking about it makes me nauseous and want to cry. If anything, I'm disappointed at myself for not preempting the nerves I would get and hence failing to prepare myself to swallow them. I didn't do at all as well as I could have and that has poured gloom all over me when concerned with this subject. However, I do hope that by some miracle, all will work out to my favour...

Okay, I think I've written enough to make up for the past five or so days. Will leave you now because I need to meet connie. Haven't seen her since the day after the class chalet. Miss her much!

the seventh of december 2010

2010-12-07T13:39:00.002+08:00

My mother wants me to accompany her to the Universal Studios but for some reason, I really do not want to go. Thinking about it stirs something like apprehension in my belly and I told the mother that but she is adamant about going. Now i'm just sitting in my chair with my shirt around my neck cos I'm as excited about it as I am about getting my hair rebonded. It isn't even as if I dislike the place. I honestly think it's interesting albeit capitalistic. This feeling is inexplicable, and I don't like it.

Will blog an update about my life of late after my trip to the Studious.

01/12/2010 10.59 pm

2010-12-01T22:58:00.003+08:00

Mom: Oh oh oh, I need to go to sleep.

Me (monotone): Go to sleep. Good night.

Mom: Night night. Night night. Night night... (trails off through the corridor)

The smiley don't cut it. :)

All my nails are painted, my hair is jet black and I might wear a dress tomorrow. Connie invited me to live with her in case things got too hard around here. But I think if I did, I would miss out on the occasions, albeit rare, when the Mother makes me love her for being kooky as she is. Too bad, she's more crazy than kooky and I'm more angry than I ever am happy.

The man who was my employer for an infinitesimal amount of time told me "When you talk about your family, I can hear that you are very angry." I never thought of it that way, but now I suppose I was just incapable of placing my finger on the perfect word for me. Sad is it not?

I also quit said job, because I very irresponsibly applied when I was not ready. Now I'm jobless, penniless and I don't have a comfortable place to sit and read the books I have recently and justly claimed as my own. Anyone want to lend me a sofa?

Spending tomorrow at Bobo's with the girlz. Am looking forward to it!

Story of my Life

2010-11-30T15:55:00.005+08:00

ps. Thanks Cheryl for putting me up and making me milo at 2 in the morning :)

The love you always seem to find, syrupy sweet

2010-11-24T13:02:00.003+08:00

I've got a job interview tomorrow. Scared. Nervous. Should I bring a resume?

Unecessary Statement of the Day

2010-11-23T23:59:00.002+08:00

The world is full of fuckers.

North Korea shelled a South Korean island inhabited by civilians today. Needless to say, I'm fucking angry. And even more so at China for supporting fucking North Korea. China's like the new big bully, the arsehole of the world that positively farts the worst attitude. Don't get me started on what they're doing to Tibet. I might break something and even that, that won't help one bit. Which makes me angrier.

Anger is bad, but you can't expect me to be apathetic can you? Apathy is the accomplice to tyranny. Mom's also trying to tell me about two boys from Afghanistan who tried to seek asylum in Britain, one of them got killed. Now I'm thinking about Afghanistan and I'm both angry and disgusted that I want to throw up.

FUCKFUCKFUCKVKJDHDIWHSKJNVKSJEHRIUENHXRGYCJ SUEHJK[,szpxfmv ampzkxdm kxlo.e[]fzv JVZ-0=;

That's what it looks like

2010-11-22T07:38:00.003+08:00

I'm feeling quite lost and pathetic right now. I upset the sister by being uncommonly insolent and upset the mother by being myself. Then I had my things trashed on the floor, again, because that's how we do it at home. And I woke up this morning to my upset sister, after she left I went back into my room and had about the worst fright of my life when I thought the new standing fan had morphed into some kind of white stick figure with a black top hat. But of course it hadn't so my point was quite useless in telling you about the fan. It does however scare me that I might be hallucinating. People can mis-see things right from time to time right? But it's not a big deal...

I should take a walk, but I surrendered my umbrella to mom cos I left hers at the chalet and Yusuf did not get back to me yesterday when he said he would. But nevermind, it's an umbrella and I'm too fucking lame to care. If it rains, that'll just be my luck and it's the holidays now so it can't matter much if I get sick.

Ah, I just tried counting back the number of times I've been dropped the "Get out of my house" line. In my own home of course. And I lost count because I don't have enough digits and I suck at anything vaguely mentally straining when it's not in text.

I do not have any cash so although I may walk out, I might curl up someplace and die because it's been a while since that pizza.

I can't remember the last time I saw the father. I think it might have been before the start the Os. I'm very like him, perhaps I might have done better under him. Because living where I am right now and have been for a long time was never much good for me. I'm just not suited for this kind of environment. But then again, would I have enjoyed living with the woman and man who destroyed my family? I suppose not.

What do people do when they feel like that? I need a drink, a cigarette or a very cute puppy.

"I'm losing to my cabbage!"

2010-11-16T22:04:00.002+08:00

Met with Jasmine today after a really long time and had a great reminder of why I'm still friends with her after all this time. We're similar enough to have plenty of common ground to talk on and enough differences to make sure we don't each get to predictable to the other which thus serves to prevent the stagnation of conversation.

This we discussed over Samsui Chicken, Spicy Sweet Potato Leaves and Minced Pork with Salted Egg at the Soup Restaurant. Being the only one of the two that actually makes the lettuce chicken wrap as might've been intended by the Samsui women, I had the whole lettuce to myself. Usually, I have no problem with making the wrap but today, the thing decided to stick stubbornly together so I could not at any point peel off a whole leaf. Of course, being human, I had to exert my superiority over the obstinate vegetable and did my best to seperate the leaves without tearing the whole thing to pieces. I did however, as my title indicates, lose to the lettuce. And I'm aware that I was eating lettuce and not cabbage, but I just think that it looks like the latter so I tend to call it so.

Before our delicious lunch which left me kind of broke, as many of my meals tend to do, we were shopping around Ion. Jasmine bought make up (yay!) and I finally got her her birthday present. Jasmine also bought the same scent as my mother usually does and I'm excited to know how it will smell on her because all our bodies react differently to different perfumes which result in different smells.

I'm sorry if you're not interested in Beauty Talk and are getting bored....... Mm, actually, I'm not. SUCK IT UP.

Also saw Klarissa and Deborah while we were there cos we dropped by to say Hi :)

Now I'm just kinda stewing in a very nice mood and writing all kinds of lists. My old habit of writing lots of lists have been re-ignited because that's what meeting real old friends do to me.

On the topic of real old friends. I discovered today, with some help from J, that we overlook a lot of the things we are usually critical about when things concern our friends. And now I wonder if everyone took a step back to really try and consider their friends from a stranger's or slight acquaintance's view, they would change their minds about that person. Would it change your ideas about me? You could tell me in the comments, if you'd like. But I'm not hopeful because many of my readers have selective brains, they don't process my pleas for interaction. Sometimes, I wonder if they have brains at all. But I love everyone of you (maybe), regardless. It just makes blogging a little tiring, that's all.

I hope you read this

2010-11-15T01:27:00.004+08:00

EDITED:

You call me and anglophile and then tell me that my red lipstick is too Chinese. You claim that I do not ever appreciate Chinese culture even when you hear me sing songs by Jay Chou and speak to you in mandarin. Then tonight, you tell about Ang Sang Suu Kyi's release and when I offer my input, you tell me not to say anything because I know nothing about her situation or her background. FYI oh great duchess of all sense and grace, I've been in environments where I'm given great motivations to learn about things outside motherfucking textbooks. I've done my research about all sorts of people. And you have the cheek to tell me that what I know is to be credited to your telling me about it? What kind of fantasy world do you live in where you are the infinite giver of information? I've not doubted you as a resource for plenty of wisdom and insight but really on a great many occasions, you have proven yourself to be exceedingly misled and it isn't as if I go out of my way to fool you.

I have a brain that runs on something other than the force-fed meal of my teachers. I sift through what I learn and instead of puking out all the perspective of a sadly narrow-minded adult, I make my own decisions about what I think is right. And I have my opinions shaped by all sorts of influences and view points. I may not be the most academically inclined and successful person but thank goodness for that! I have learnt that all I can do is argue my way into convincing people, and not simply stating my point and declaring every other thing that deviates from it wrong. What have you learnt about me? Have you noticed anything that I've done? Have you ever stopped to ask my view on anything?

Well, I know the answer to that. So WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TO TELL ME THAT I DON'T KNOW?

I may not think like many other people, so does that in your eyes qualify me as positively dull? Fuck your static mindset you over-sensitive prick. And I can't believe you told me tonight that it's alright for your to complain and dwell on things just because you are SENSITIVE. Oh fuck, so I can say that I'm murderous, hence get away will killing people? Can I say that I'm cowardly but greedy and therefore get away with robbing helpless old women? FUCK NO.

You don't have to recognise what I myself am proud of. But in the very least you should shut the fuck up about your pathetic judgements of me. Because that only serves to display to the world how utterly inadequate you are as a "perceptive person, sensitive to the emotions of people who need help and love". And don't you think that any talk henceforth about HYPOCRISY is going to lift your fucking standing in my mind.

Post note: I don't mind sensitive people mostly, I too am capable of being the missing brick in the wall. But if you let your moodswings get out of hand, you better gtfo because I'm not always going to be the soft underbelly to receive you.

14th November '10

2010-11-13T23:59:00.002+08:00

Jasmine turned 16 recently, so Happy Birthday, Love!

I went to work out for the first time at a gym this morning. Wei Lun's Condo's to be specific, with Cheryl and the Owl himself. I was pooped quite early in the work out and let me please express how impressed I am by people who work out everyday. It was torture for me to lift a rather light weight 20 times on each arm. I can't fathom the willpower it must take to make one curl with something equal to their weight.

After that, I went to find Li Xuan, Klarissa and Charlyn at Far East Plaza where we shopped. I got my dress for gradnight as did K and got a skirt from the three of them as a belated birthday gift :) Thank you very much lovelies! <3

Also met Daniaal and Zoey at FEP. It was ridiculous, trying to find them, because I'm absolutely lost in that shopping mall. Reagrdless, I had a wonderful time and probably burnt my legs out from all that walking.

Am going to see Cheryl tomorrow again to run a bit! Picking up exercising ftw :)

I need to start blogging with photos again, even I get sick of seeing all font.

We're at the end of this very long and claustraphobic

2010-11-12T21:55:00.003+08:00

Seven hours ago, I was six minutes into my final O level paper. My science mcq was not an easy paper but I'm glad that it is all over. I just came home from dinner and light window shopping with Klarissa and Li Xuan. I got me my first mac eyeliner and do not regret the almost $30 that I paid for it. The only things I ever justify spending that much on in terms of make up are lipstick.

Anyway, I'm also really excited about having all the time ahead to catch up on my reading and get some sleep. I expect to be really tired after tomorrow!

Fragile as a leaf in autumn, just falling to the ground

2010-11-12T11:46:00.003+08:00

Hello stranger,

It's my last paper today. For my O levels I mean. Are you familiar with that examination system? It's what I've been working for for ages. Was that congratulations? Oh, well, thank you, you are too kind. Mm, it's my science mutiple choice question paper. Yes, the very last. Hahaha, I know right? So yeah, I'm going now. I've got some ass to whoop. Thank you again, you really need to stop wishing me all the best. Haha. Alright, this is my stop, good bye!

Last paper last paper last paper last paper last paper last paper! Sorry Bio people. :)

Art GAO TIM!

2010-11-10T22:04:00.002+08:00

Wheeeeheeeheeeeee :D Did my art paper today. Didn't finish a wee bit of sketching but I think the examiners will understand and take real note of my prep boards. I think I sketched like five faces and that was out of like..eight drawings? I finished the last two sketches this morning and wrote all the comments while riding the car. Then I got to school on an empty stomach and had sandwich fed to me by farhan and my pictures pasted down by the lovely Deboboboboborah. I wish I'd made Klarissa look more like Klarissa in the final piece and that I'd taken pictures of my boards before sending them off. I'll never get them back :(

Nevertheless, I am mighty glad that the whole fiasco of O Level art is over. Whether I do well or not is now completely out of my power. My final piece and boards from Paper 1 have been returned though, I wonder if I can bring it home. Mdm Suz said she might release the pieces that are going to be displayed around the school. Since the theme of mine is rather out of the healthy context of school-y ideas, perhaps she won't have to hold it. Unless of course the principal we get next year is a stickler for rules and demands that the pieces stay with them till three years later. Even though technically, all the school did was pay for the paper. The owness of where the pieces go should be up to the students and the art teachers.

I remember reading the information sheet from SEAB regarding the handling of the artworks. After putting in all that effort for nine months, as if having a baby, you give birth to a final piece of art plus a maximum of 8 A2-sized boards containing all your research, preparatory sketches and conceptualisation. When you hand it in, the work that you have done is NO LONGER YOURS. It belong officially to the SEAB and nothing you say or do can change that. However, here's the sucker. If the works are damaged or lost and there is no way to measure your grade before your stuff is graded, SEAB is entirely not responsible and there will be no compensation.

WHAT THE FUCK. I mean if you're going to be like that then can't you at least give us ownership of our fucking hardwork? Thick mother shits.

On a happier note, my dear science mcq paper will be done this friday and I will henceforth be free. Free to do whatever I fucking want. Don't be fooled by my phrasing though, I've not hard core of rock and roll enough to do anything other than loll about on various beds and read. Or sing into the ears of my friends while they use their laptops and fall asleep on their pretty printed sofas when they're ready to go out for dinner.

Mommy is using my Corocorokuririn lamp to study under.

And I'm studying at the airport tomorrow. MCQ whoop yo ass!

Day 24

2010-11-09T01:28:00.002+08:00

Read my sister's blog. It struck chords. But ones that break my heart and make me feel like I've been clawed from the inside.

Social Studies

2010-11-09T01:04:00.003+08:00

I had my SS O level paper today. I did so badly that I've never felt more demoralised after any other exam. But I think I also knew in my subconscious that I would never do well in a subject where the phrasing of question confused me infinitely hence never put very much hope in it. But what a shame, it seems Ngee Ann's Mass Comms course requires a pretty decent grade for the combined humanities. I didn't do one SEQ and was incapable of discerning the format or perspective required for the latter two SBQs. That obviously undermined any possibility of an A1 for this paper. My only regret is that I may have let my Lit grade down for I have always loved that subject. I think I've only just grasped the concept of the number of teachers who expect and A from me for combined humans. Bad thoughts for a time this late, I don't do guilt well...

What sucks is that I actually studied for SS. Not very hard, for I don't have a concept of studying very hard for anything. I only know what studying is and what slacking is, their units are uniform. But I did study, memorised in fact, two essays and read up a lot on the other factors I could have been tested on. This makes me feel all sad and twisty inside :(

On a happier note, SS is over and I now have the free liberty to invest decent time into my art preparations. I've sketched a lot of faces and some scales. But it's mostly slow work, which worries me. But I think it's just a matter of focus and using past experiences as stepping stones.

Meanwhile my time has also been filled up by taking care of one of my favourite people, discussing questionable boys, wishing I wasn't so covered in pimples and wishing my life was more romanticised. Not romantic, just romanticised. Because everything happens in the ugliest way for me. My mother went crazy tonight, with good reason, I wa acting like a hypocrite riding my high moral horse but I do wish she could be like those wise parents who take the satisfaction of teaching their children lessons without slamming their heavy wooden doors repeatedly and telling me to shove things up my -.

Too many faces

2010-11-06T21:26:00.002+08:00

I don't know how many times I have said this but I'm close to flying into a panic fit because I'm so fucking scared about my boards. I chose my topic late, developed my idea late and now I'm barely feet deep into the actual sketching of everything. I'm going to use pencil (of course I'm hopeless with colour). I've been drawing too many faces, and let me tell you, I'm none too good at drawing faces. The slightest shift in the angle of a brow, the tilt of an eye and smirk of the lips can entirely change the expression you are depicting. It's time like these I truly appreciate (and somewhat hate) the intricacies of the facade on which we paint our daily emotions. I don't know how I ended up drawing this particularly difficult face where the boy is both smiling and frowning and the same time and the picture was only 24kb which makes it blur as fuck. He doesn't look remotely smiley-frowny now that I'm finished. In fact, sis reckons he appears rather terrorised. How lovely, I know.

On another more exciting note, sis and I went to the MPH warehouse sale at the Expo (Hall 6--till sunday!) and had the most amazing time because books were going for $8 each and $35 for five. We bought eleven books, six of which are mine and though that means that I have to pay sis back a sum I'm still so impatient that I can't step into my room and look on the floor for want of reading them. I also happened to lug all 11 books home in my bag and in my arms. I had to "chu li" because my sister "chu qian". But never mind! It's so comforting to know that there are new unread books waiting for me to finish my O levels already sitting in a delightful stack. Do I sound cheesy as hell? I AM CHEESY AS HELL. LOVE ME.

Fuck. Ss is in two days and I still find it hard to memorise all the bullshit. Kind of wish I was in the newer batch of students, those with a choice to not take social studies. It's not that it's a bad subject (though I still want to call it all bullshit), it's just so difficult for me because I haven't memorised anything since Choir SYF. It's good for those who can mug, but I'm unfortunately not one of that special breed.

Nevertheless, I'm going to put in my fucking best for this final stretch because God forbid I regret not trying!

And more moments until the one I leave

2010-10-31T18:39:00.003+08:00

Having my lit and physics papers tomorrow. Am really scared for how it might play out. I have a supreme fear of going in and not having a wonderful idea come to me immediately. I really really want, need an A1 for both of these (even though they are both half-subjects). For starters, I should probably stop writing in parantheses because I never know if I can use them in essays. I've been studying a fair bit lately which is good. But I feel relatively settled for Physics tomorrow, but a little unprepared for Lit. Think I shall write an essay later just to regain my feel for writing. With the occasionally grammatically questionable answers I've been writing in Chem and Physics, I quite miss the thrill and satisfcation of writing really fluently and putting in my absolute best to impress whoever marks my script. I hope I haven't lost my drive :(

Can you feel that? Yeah your brain is going numb.

2010-10-27T11:23:00.002+08:00

It's been two days since the beginning of the O level season and I'm mighty relieved that I haven't discerned any major screw up thus far. I have my Math Paper 2 in three hours and I'm going to leave the house in one hour.

My english papers were okay, so okay in fact, that I'm afraid to know why I didn't sense any massive satisfaction after I did them. It's like I went in, and did a paper. Just like any other English paper that I'd ever done. The whole thing felt so unspectacular that I'm starting to doubt my grades. And english is supposed to be the one subject that I do well in, if I don't for any others. Saying all this ought to make me feel crappy, but I'm surprisingly impervious to any demoralisation.

Maths yesterday was really doable. But I didn't complete the paper because I skipped half of the graph question with the plan of going back to do it later. I went back to it when I finished the Loci question and did all the working. But guess what, as soon as I'd worked out the vertex of the graph, the motherfucking time was up. I would hav tried to chuck in some lame excuse for a graph but there was an invigillator standing right next to me, looking straight at me. So I just read the next sub-question with asked the line of symmetry so I just quickly did the working and slapped my answer down. I hope they'll give me some mercy marks for all the working I did. Phooey.

Now I'm slightly afraid about my ability to complete paper 2 in time. I did my first graph question in MONTHS, just now so you can guess how much I hate them. But I got 8 out of 12 of the marks so I suppose I'm not going to die completely. Well, I won't unless I do manage to finish the paper. I swear, I have to work fast and carefully and that's something I have never really managed to pull off with aplomb. But in the end, all I have to do it commit this to the Lord and He will pull me through. Deborah told me yesterday that God loves us, so He won't leave us helpless when we need the help. And that the only time He lets you do badly is when He has a purpose for you.

God Bless everybody, regardless of who your god may be. I hope we all get through this safely and find riches at the end of this tunnel :)

Goodness, I sound so sweet and encouraging. But I mean it. Sort of.

A-YO

2010-10-23T22:44:00.003+08:00

Been listening to other less promoted songs on SHINee's Lucifer album. I love every one I've heard so far. In particular A-YO, Electric Heart and Quasimodo.

The first two are so freaking sexy. Not in the most manly way but I love it anyway. People who say that they hate SHINee or male K-pop artistes in general because "THEY'RE SO GAY OMG" are just fucking homophobes who don't even know the true sexual orientation of these people in the first place. Personally, I wouldn't give a shit if everybody in Shinee turns out to be gay because that doesn't change the fact that they're crazy talented and their songs sound hella good to me. But of course I would prefer them to be straight, gives me more to hope to find in a future guy. Just sayin' :)

<3

Too much studying

2010-10-23T15:53:00.002+08:00

I had four hours of science tuition today. My brain is charred so I'm blogging as some rest time. Need to go back and do poa now. And get food. Not exactly in that order but the last time I ate was at 10 o clock which you know, bodes well for my health and everything.

Formspring

2010-10-21T21:30:00.002+08:00

I made an account a while back but never publicised it. Soon after, I disabled it because I wasn't feeling the need for it. But now I'm bored so if you could please...? :)

Click me

Science Practical

2010-10-21T19:42:00.002+08:00

Science practical was fairly okay. I didn't break anything but I did lose 2 marks because when I was writing answers for the "conclusion and evidence" part, the stupid alarm clock went off and I didn't want to risk getting into trouble so I put down my pen.

Bah.

I know which topic I want to do for Art. Gonna start with the first hand work tomorrow! :)

It starts here

2010-10-20T20:52:00.003+08:00

The stimuli for the the second paper of the Art O level were released today. I haven't chosen one but I swear I will tomorrow afternoon.

Speaking of tomorrow, that's when I'm doing my Science practical. The exam ends at 9.30 for me but I have to stay in the AVT for an extra 4 hours because God forbid my class and I come into contact with any of the students in the later shifts.

Tomorrow's to do:
Kick the practical's ass. There's only one chance!
Pick one stimuli and determine my direction
Finish one math paper
Finish two topics in the PoA tys

SO MUCH TO DOOOOOO.

"Yeah he was trying to hump you"

2010-10-18T23:40:00.003+08:00

Spent the morning attempting SBQ. Spent half the afternoon stumbling around half-blinded from lack of food. Made it to expo to eat the best Subway sandwich I've ever had (not so much the flavour as the eating after starving). Studied PoA quite successfully (whatever that means) with the Conner. Hung out at her place later. Pepper, her dog, tried to hump me which was funny. Bought ice cream. Ate ice cream. Put on about forty kilograms. Didn't care. Now I care and I'm asking myself why I on earth I had to give in to the call of Queensland Mango.

Connie and I also talked about what we ought to get for the Os. Now a little more stressed. Which is not good, cos every little bit brings on more white hair. (I do get white hairs) And pimples. (I do get crazy ugly zits that always pop up on the parts of my face most advantageously visible.)

Got kicked in the head so I started a fight

2010-10-16T18:51:00.002+08:00

Haven't been studying as hard as I would like to be. But this is more work than I've ever done. I think that says something, but I might as well be honest and say that I'm the laziest asshole you will see (as far as effort goes in one's academic career). I've found algebra increasingly enjoyable though, so it feels less like hardwork now.

Had tuition this afternoon with Ryan. Since we were both hungry, he ordered pizza. I think I ate more pizza at a go than I ever have and I still feel full now. Pizza + Physics = Hysteria. I can't think when I eat.

Am now drowning in the maths resource package. Wish me luck.

Make me

2010-10-11T12:42:00.006+08:00

Been immersing in a number of might depressing things lately. Last night, I watched Secret of the Wild Child which revolved around the situation of a girl found by government authorities after being locked in her bedroom for over 10 years.

Severe Isolation = Depressing.

She couldn't speak (had never been taught to) = Depressing.

She was beaten for making noise = Depressing.

She was at first given a great deal of attention and "love" after being found. But a number of years later, progress waned and her learning or lack thereof seemed to point at her originally being mentally retarded. Her father had put her in isolation because he had deemed her so. The scientists, the therapists and foster parents all left her I suspect because they could find no more way to cement their status as breakthrough figures in the world of research in mental development. Also their alleged attachment to her was probably challenged so greatly by the fact that she was more trouble than reward. I don't doubt their initial wish to be part of her life because of more than a wish for selfish fame. They probably did see something in her that was special and worth exploring. But the extent of such yearned affection was lost later because who can exert themselves to love and care for someone they had no financial blessing to care for or no bloodties to maintain any lasting connection that could induce a solid sacrifice? She was "discarded" at the end of her remarkable progress. And after several other foster homes, she was sent to an adult care centre.

It's discoveries of case like these that make me truly grateful for the mostly nurturing environment that I have been brought up in. But concurrently, I still know that there is great potential for me to live a better life in better understanding with the people around me. But there are in fact people who are at the receiving end of the the most brutal upbringing, people who suffer every day of their lives. When do I compare and say I'm satisfied with how I've lived? How do I get to sleep at night knowing that the evil of some people exceed their compassion so greatly that they can bring themselves to destroy the lives of others? How would I handle a situation if I were to be laden with the burden of a disabled child or throw into the experience of living without control over what happens to me?

I'm not one to be able to witness something horrific and describe it as sad and move on. Sometimes I wish I could but in other times I'm glad for my ability to empathise. But then again, maybe I never truly empathise but instead imagine an entirely inaccurate viewpoint of a person I will never be able to understand because of the environment that has shaped me into an assertive person. Someone who is culturally conditioned to be for the most part capable of mental and emotional self-defense.

Ultimately, I believe this is a question of a person's willingness to involve himself in the war against evil. That sounds far-fetched considering that we hardly consider much evil being comfortable singaporean assholes. But I try to make myself confront just how real it is everyday. I'm not sure why, it may just be a display of masochism to my consciousness or it may be an aversion to living in blissful oblivion.

I just finished proof-reading my mother's powerpoint presentation on her analysis of Shakespeare's Hamlet. And while the fact that it is fiction lessens the blow of the tragedies the Bard often depicts in his plays, I do believe that what he wrote, he wrote as reflections of the time he lived in. Mom said everybody died in Hamlet. Which is depressing because all the deaths were premature. But Ophelia's predicament pained met he most. Now, I don't think I'll be anywhere near the best source for material in terms of Shakespeare but what my mother reflected in her presentation was display of the mysoginistic way of society back then. And the mystery of her death/suicide was sad in both possibilities. She lost so much to love and eventually lost her sanity. And only in sanity had she a voice.

Fuck this. I need to go watch more K-pop.

And this attempt to relieve myself of all the emotional burden makes me wonder if I'm just like the rest of the world, trying to live in oblivion because the truth is too much to bear.

Pseudo Graduation

2010-10-09T22:40:00.004+08:00

I graduated with the rest of the 2010 batch yesterday and I feel quite the same as before. There was no sense of loss. I didn't cry as much as recoil in horror when I saw the photo slideshow (too many unglam shots within reach of heartless teachers).

Rather, it was what Mr Toh said about our class that made me cry. "You'all're the only class I feel I've really been able to connect with". I can't remember if those were his exact words but they were definitely to that effect. Maybe he said that because we're his most recent class or because we might be the class to cause him the most trouble. Either way, I appreciate everything he's done for us and truly hope that all the work I'm doing for maths will pay off and make him proud :)

As for Ms Diana, however disappointed I may be that she donned the 5/1 class tee instead of ours, I understand she may also love another class this year. But I can try to roll around in the denial that anyone can defeat us in terms of being memorable. Also working super hard for Chem. Or as hard as can be described in "laura" terms. I swear I have never studied a day of my life before this O level thing. I hate it. I fucking hate it.

I don't see any reason to miss my friends, cos I know I will do everything I can to meet them anyway :) There may be no more unknown pretty faces around to watch but that's minimally regrettable.

Btw, you may have noticed that my tagboard is gone. Or if you haven't then that just shows why I took it down in the first place. I wish I could say "I took my tagboard down cos people were flaming me non-stop" but really I took it down because no one ever seems to want to say anything about what I write. That board was stagnant for over a month and a half and I was done with disappointment. I'm too easily hopeful about getting some kind of a response. But it seems there are people who read this so I'll continue blogging. If you feel ever so compelled to say something about a blog post, do comment it. But I'm not hopeful. And don't drop my pity comments. I don't take well to pity. I'm basically a boy in girl's skin. The physical signs to my masculinity are my uncanny resemblance to my father and rough hands. So please don't batter the ego :)

To do

2010-10-05T16:16:00.002+08:00

I'm going to fucking finish five topics in my POA tys, one chem and one physics paper today. Fuckin scold me if i don't fucking finish! BUT I WILL DO NOT SPEAK NEGATIVELY LAURA. I'M GOING FUCKING CRAZY LOVEYOUALLBYE.

Stomp

2010-10-03T13:24:00.002+08:00

What I wrote on fb regarding a particular article:

"It's just a girl in a motherfucking boys' toilet. I can't believe anyone would be so "enraged" by that. If you were a nun, maybe it'd be more understandable why you're so angry and appalled. But then you wouldn't be using free and limitless internet."

I'm glad quite a few people agree with me :)

I want to talk about my thoughts on stomp, but I'm so disgusted that I can't bring myself to delve into a full out review right now.

But a message to my school teachers, if they still bother coming here to read the chronicles of a very disagreeable graduating student: If the school decides to make the girls in question do something like a "public apology", it will make the school discipline committee look like a group of uptight asses working to serve the government and working to make sure that no one in this country will ever step of conformity. Which is fucking boring. Besides, guess who painted the bubbles in that school toilet? GIRLS.

Giggler

2010-10-02T15:22:00.003+08:00

Mom (to my sis): Yeah all I need you to bring home is Daniel Wu and Bananas. Two phallic symbols. Hehehehehehehehehe.

That's my mom for you//

On another less suggestive note, I've been doing my best to revise academic shit and practise artistic shit. I'm currently doing the Stoichiometry practise on my ten year series and praying to God that I won't burn out. I've be told many times that I'm a last minute worker, I don't ever know if that's a good thing for my ability to catch up quickly or a regrettable attribute that means that I cheat myself of my own potential. It's all so evilvaginabubblesfromhell right?

On another less depressing note, it's Connie's birthday! Everybody Holla!

I feel like going and listening to more Westlife.

Quite contrary

2010-09-29T21:49:00.004+08:00

The previous post wasn't exactly directed at you, but rather someone I've known for very much longer. However, I can't deny that some of the things I addressed were also relevant to you. Have you pondered why I ask so often? Why I need you to assure me that I haven't slipped under your radar? Because you have a way of making people feel abandoned when you so easily dedicate your attention to your other group of friends while you still have many others around you. Because despite your denial, I recognised myself being avoided and ignored by the whole group of you in unison last year. How did you, orignially so affectionate, become cold overnight?

And maybe this isn't helped by how difficult it is to read your exact mood sometimes. You seem to go off in little periods of coldness that can only be suspected to arise from things that wouldn't adversely affect most other people. And about the gradnight thing, I was wondering why you didn't ask me where I was sitting before the names were put down. How did you come to the conclusion if they were sitting with their cca-mates that I would end up sitting with someone else too? Hadn't we decided that we would all sit together? You situated yourself somewhere I have no place and now you tell me that you wanted to sit with me too?

And did I describe the gradnight thing as "racial segragation"? Mmm, I can't remember using those exact words but I wouldn't deny that I might have. I don't think it was racially charged because it's easy to see how bonded you guys are. HOWEVER, we all have friends of different races don't we? So how did the malay and chinese people of one class get split into two tables placed on either sides of the hall? If you're angry with me for saying that, then do you mean to say that my judgement of the situation is entirely inaccurate?

And just some clarification: I did not CALL the situation racial segragation. Instead, I LIKENED the situation TO racial segragation. Because really what else does it LOOK like?

In any case, I still love you. I still love you all because I think this is just a situation driven by our insecurities. After all, we really are all sensitive people.

The ugly truth

2010-09-28T23:45:00.004+08:00

Sometimes, the people you love just put you in second place. When that happens, you whine a bit. Then pick yourself up and move on. Love that person because you can't help it, but don't have so much faith in them.

Also, you lose some friends, and you win some. It doesn't always matter how long you've known someone (because it seems after almost half your life some people can still ignore you until they need you). Others will be there for you as often as they can. In that case, it's time to GTFO from the former's life and focus on the latter that loves you.

That's what I've learnt recently. Two lessons learnt too late.

Hello my name starts with a fucking L

2010-09-25T11:17:00.002+08:00

I've been sleep deprived this past week even despite getting a lot more sleep than I did last week. I handed in my Art O level Paper 1 last friday to the MOE/SEAB. I don't know how else to blog today except for giving you a laundry list of stuff I've been doing without much elaboration because that's too tiring.

I'm going to Marina Bay later to watch the F1 practice race and a bunch of performances with Lucius because he was lovely enough to invite me. But that's after I see my sister at the airport and ascertain that she's healthy and okay after her trip to Bangkok.

I have got to stop eating all that junk food. Hit me if I dare buy a bar of chocolate. I have put on SO MUCH WEIGHT.

Favourite Songs as of September 25th '10

2010-09-25T10:47:00.003+08:00

1. Beat it by Fall Out Boy feat. John Mayer

2. I write sings not tragedies by Panic! At The Disco

3. Thnks fr the Mmrs by Fall Out Boy

Because hanging out with Klarissa and listening to Charlyn's iphone just makes me listen to stuff like that.

Stained fingartipzzz

2010-09-15T00:16:00.002+08:00

Been having some awesome playtime with charocal and pencils lately. I'm very close to being completely done. But it's like I'm scared shitless by the thought of being permanently separated from nine months of work. I'm sure it's just my sentimentality and I'll actually be very relieved when I never have to care about "Knots" anymore.

Prelim results have been coming back better than expected though my English grade was a shocker. I somehow managed to fuck my report writing upside down with a metal pole and abuse my summary writing like a foster child. So seeing how I'm a B3 student, I expect quite soon that I'll be kicked out of Mdm Sabina's class. Bah.

I NEEDA SLEEP. BYEZUMS.

Favourite Songs as of September 11 '10

2010-09-11T14:28:00.002+08:00

If you have been looking carefully at my blog, you should notice a segment in the top right hand corner called "Favourite Songs of the Moment". I just had an idea that instead of changing out the songs and names there when I notice it, I should make a blog post periodically featuring my top five favourite songs of whenever I remember to make such a blog post. I think I largely prefer this to my previous way of sharing songs because by recording them in blogposts, I get to keep a record of my tastes and favourites in my archives rather than losing previous lists as and when.

So these are my favourite songs as of now, keep in mind most of them have videos on youtube because my ipod has spoiled so I'm not quite capable of easily flipping through over 10 thousand songs. Need to fix this one and buy a new one soon.

1. Book and a cover by Suzanne Vega

If you're smart enough to get it, you'll understand why this song is worth your attention.

2. Mandy by Westlife

3. Home by Westlife

Emotional homecoming song sung by a bunch of talented people. 'Nuff said.

4. Bop Bop Baby by Westlife

I particularly like singing in harmony to chorus, I suck at harmonising anywhere else. It's the Soprano 1 syndrome. On other aspects of this song, I don't understand why they're in period costumes and an old setting while singing "or I get your machine and I don't hear me" the time chasm is great but it's still an awesome song.

5. It's my Life by No Doubt

Because Gwen Stefani was my biggest ever lesbian crush. Until No Doubt broke apart... and the music was just groovier then.

6. What I wouldn't do by A Fine Frenzy

Happy then heart wrenching stuff.

Zokaythat'zallfurnao.

Chicky chicky poo

2010-09-09T00:02:00.003+08:00

After panicking for five minute straight, I called my doctor and asked him what the internet didn't seem to want to tell me. Turns out, if his blister were scabbed over (black scabs) then he probably wasn't infectious anymore. The only things to be scared of were the gross and watery red scabs which the guy did not have. Thank you Lord my God for not putting my health and sanity in harms way.

I went out with Cheryl to town this afternoon and found myself in a mood entirely unsuited for shopping (except for make up shopping of course :/ )

Just tried putting some photos here but failed and I'm too lazeh to try again. Okay mom wants the comp i'm going to scoot off nao bai!

.

2010-09-07T20:22:00.000+08:00

WHY DOES NOBODY IN MY FUCKING FAMILY ANSWER THE PHONE WHEN I NEED THEM?!

The evening of the 7th

2010-09-07T19:48:00.003+08:00

Mommy turned ** yesterday so I made her a breakfast that stretched my culinary capabilities - Soft-boiled eggs and a Banana Milkshake. I did some papers and slept a lot.

I had on some wicked winged eyeliner and a super comfy outfit when I went out to meet the family to go out for Mom's Birthday Dinner. But hey as usual, the sky has to fall and soak my feet when I was slipping and sliding around in leopard print ballet flats so that was yayness! Had awesome Indian food at my favourite and now the mother's new favourite place New Woodlands Madras which serves vegetarian North/South(?) indian food. The waiter who served us must have been endeared by my family's very outstanding presence due to some ridiculous hand actions thanks to mom, so he stuck with us the rest of our meal and made us happy by being happy. I had a paper masala something and everyone else's food was great, as Indian food usually is (which is why it is one of my favourites out of all cuisines).

Sis and I bought extra papadum and we had some nice, quarrelsome conversation. Basically, I was having for the most part a very nice evening. And yay we went to Mustafa, Sis bought two watches that she will share with me as she does for almost everything else she owns. And the guy who served us was smiley and polite. Yay niceness all around. Everything was going fucking dandy and then this happens.

Mom (In chinese): snfkvrunvskjhrg

I couldn't hear her cos I was berating her cos I thought she was talking bad about indian guy. Turns out, she was, but it wasn't what I thought.

She was telling me to get away from the guy because he was RECOVERING FROM CHICKEN POX AND THE BLACK SCABS ARE INFECTIOUS. I haven't had chicken pox which basically makes me haven for the viral organisms that want to rape virgin immunity. I was standing one counter space away from the guy, so in that case I wouldn't have been worried about getting infected. But that wasn't the bloody case. In fact, it was that bugger who helped me try on watches and he practically covered my left hand in chicken pox shit! And then I probably touched my right hand which touched my fringe and my bag and pants and everything and I had probably breathed in all that virus! OMG. I was so fucking scared cos my exams are fucking close and the last thing I need right now is to be sick with chicken pox!

I cried a bit cos I was scared shitless and I have always imagined in my brain that chicken pox takes like a month to recover from and my O levels are a little over a month away. That guy basically destroyed my wonderful evening and potentially my next two weeks. Mom said that there's this treatment when administered in the first 24 hours of the pocks showing that reduces the entire ordeal to 3 days. Thank God for medical advances, seriously.

I'm currently reading up on Chicken Pox on Wikipedia and the first thing I saw was that it is a "highly contagious illness ". This is not helping my state of mind, really. I DON'T WANT TO GET CHICKEN POX. I wish mom had taken me back for the remaining two jabs in my vaccination, seriously, the polyclinic called me and she is now blaming me for saying that I didn't need it cos I wasn't going to the US anymore. The US jabs were for the fucking FLU and like the PLAGUE or something. Not chicken pox man. This is so screwed up. I need to go and finish my Art O level with all this shit on my mind.

It's my life

2010-09-04T23:28:00.005+08:00

I love Gwen Stefani. The video of It's My Life is making me want to dye my hair blonde more than ever just so I can wear red lipstick with it and act 50's for a while. The song is also making me love the sound of electric keyboards heh. I never really noticed the sound before because they don't stand out in most of the songs I hear. It's usually the guitar and drum rhythms that take a obviously significant part. I associate keyboards with the spacey sounds and I used to ignore that mostly, but now I wanna hear more of it. No Doubt after Westlife. I think I'm reliving my life.

Went out with Connie for the first time in a while. We searched for cats before setting off for East Coast road where C had Hokkien Mee and I ordered Fried Oysters. I do most of the talking when I'm with her. And it's evenings like this that I realise just how many times I interrupt people when they're talking. It's probably because of what Cheryl describes as an intense esteem in my own opinion and an impatience in delivering it. This is but one of the countless faults that can be held against me. Wish me luck on kicking it!

My mom just mistook my roaring for a bitchy sound. But seriously, it's one of my affectionate responses. You'd think that the woman who has heard me roar and growl for the past 16 years would understand that. -sigh- Maybe I was made for misunderstandings.

Bop Bop Baby

2010-09-03T14:47:00.003+08:00

I'm at Cheryl's place now, wearing varying tones of green on my eyes because I was curious to see what teal and green would look like on me. Have been on a Westlife kick for the past few days. I like it when this happens, it's like a way of connecting with the past. It reminds me of a maid that took care of me last time, Maricriss or Mariechris. I never found out how to spell her name and when I asked my mom yesterday, she said she's already forgotten. I know she really liked Enrique Iglesias' Hero. And I used to sing Westlife songs to her and dance to the Vengaboys in front of her. I don't know whether to be happy that I still remember stuff like that, or sad that I never got the chance to bid her a proper farewell.

Also cut my hair just now. Three inches off with less layers. I got really used to how layered the ends of my hair was and the sharpness of the tip of my ponytail. Now it's more blunt than anything and comes down to only my upper waist. But I suppose it'll grow out quickly enough. According to rough recall and some calculations by Cheryl, my hair grew approximately 18cm in a year. After O levels my hair will be as long as it was this morning and I'll be able to dye it whatever colour I want. My mom said blonde would be too harsh cos of the bleaching and my hair will literally take years to recover, though. At least now the ends of my hair are healthy! Also, my hair is more brown cos I played around in klarissa's pool yesterday. That's the only reason I can come up with for the sudden change of colour, but I'm not sure chlorinated water lightens hair so quickly.

Diamond Lobster

2010-08-31T00:26:00.002+08:00

I screwed up my Art paper today. Copied the top half of an afghan boy's face and attempted to copy a mummy-like boy with a dead hollow expression. I failed miserably for the latter because I made it look like a cute sort of cartoon character :(

Anyway, I plan to complete the boy's face cos I am quite taken with his eyes.

Bought Street Child by Berlie Doherty even though I'd put a book ban on myself. I was just standing in line, saw it on a shelf read the blurb and was quite decided on getting it. I'm enjoying it so far, as far as being depressed goes. The boy, Jim Jarvis, is quite captivating because he's street savvy while still possessing the sweet innocence that most of us lose upon independance. But I'll keep the full review till after I finish it, heh.\

It's teacher's day tomorrow, I'm gonna give away the great big banner. I hope Mr Toh treasures it :)

WHAT THE BLOODY FUCK?!

2010-08-30T02:15:00.003+08:00

Prelims

2010-08-27T21:34:00.002+08:00

Have been busy with prelim exams lately. I've been studying more, practising more. Most of this I credit to Ryan because by clearing my doubts about math and science, I feel more confident attempting papers. I tend to be dissuaded from doing papers in my resource packages because I'm hate trying to do papers when I don't know what certain topics are about in the first place.

The math papers have been surprisingly more manageable than ever before. While this is due to my increased knowledge on problem solving, I think the standard that usually kills people like me has been compromised to prevent the population of mathematical losers from failing.

Have also recently been reading books by Neil Humphrey for some literary comic relief. Notes From An Even Smaller Island was close to the perfect read for me. It was honest as far as I could tell and it made me conscious about a lot of the things I take for granted here as well as alert me to the oncoming death of a lot of precious traditions I've been trying to ignore. Have just started on Scribbles From the Same Island. Thanks Cheryl, for lending them to me :)

Had dinner with Klarissa after the math paper. She broke her fast with some sausage pasta thing and looked uncommonly happy throughout the meal. Caught up with all the stuff she hasn't told me and made as many useless comments as I could, my usual practice of course. Had dinner with Joseph and Yusuf the yesterday night but neither of them ate with me, they were already full from food at home. I thought the guy at Subway was cute and told Joseph. Jo said the mentrual hormones must've been causing hallucinations.

Night study

2010-08-17T22:16:00.002+08:00

Tonight was made of blended durian (heavenly), samosas (quite good), sweet milo (okay) and essay assignments meant for no one but me (half bad).

I thought Mdm Sabina just wanted me to get the paper with the questions on and then pick a question and do it. But it turns out, she also set me a watchdog - Mr Fowler. And let's just say that Mr Fowler makes a pretty good prison guard because he made me sit with him and he was so easily distracted from his work and fairly quick in saying " Are we doing alright?" whenever my attention swayed from the task. I finished a letter and half an essay. And when he came back from his brief across the canteen where he had to plug his laptop in, he did me the immense favour of reading my letter in front of me despite my protests. And when he promised not to read my half done essay, he said "hand on heart" and I tell you, I don't believe in those. I only use pinky promises, but I think saying that would indicate a presence of great self-importance. Which is more than a stranger of a teacher would ever have to know. Pfft.

Mdm Sabina, why do you single me out so?

There is a possibility she or some other teacher in the staff room is reading this. BAH.

Quotes from recent days

2010-08-17T21:54:00.002+08:00

I think I saw a cute st pats boy just now. It could be yours ^^ (Farhan)

I think you'd like me a lot if I did get my hands on you. (Not directed at me thank goodness) (Eeyer)

I told him to fuck off. He's disgusting as shit. You can do better. (Cheryl)

Roar hug you meow (Jie)

Just keep to good-looking guys, they're easier to forgive. (Connie)

Your hair is killing me! (Me)

Haha, sorry la. But you wanted to draw me! (Klarissa)

I know you got connections. ............. Nvm. I got my fat indian friend. (Yusuf)

Sigh. If only 2pm came. (Tessa)

Hey get some rest, you look like you need it. (Vivek)

A message

2010-08-13T22:12:00.003+08:00

I just realised that there is no point in talking. So all there is left to say is I hope you don't die too early because in case you haven't noticed: I love you and I live in the constant fear that your habit will take over completely and take you away from me. And I'm too lonely in this world to do without you. And it makes me sad that I don't have to mind you anymore.

Bloody shit

2010-08-12T22:25:00.003+08:00

Finished all the veins in my final piece today, plenty to rejoice about that because they were the most boring and repititive and TEDIOUS element to cover aside from Klarissa's hair, which I regard with severe dread. No offence to Klarissa or people with hair, it's just that anyone who's ever tried to draw hair in detail will know that it is a royal pain in the arse of an endeavour. In any case, I wish myself all the good nature possible because the last thing I want to do is throw a tantrum and potentially hurt the paper on which my final submission is laid. A hissy fit will be alright.

Saw the last page of Tessa's book in pencil lines on her blog. Wonderful work, just as I expected. She is one of the few people that make me think back to the time I actually started to take drawing seriously. She was one of those who encouraged me. <3

Uh, uncle-

2010-08-11T17:47:00.002+08:00

I was working on my final piece most of the night, save for 4 to 6am which is when I slept. I somehow managed to forget the significance of wednesday mornings that I left the house by 6.45 and got on the bus soon after. It was only on my way to simei did I realise that I was only required in school at 9. I cursed my sleep deprivation and was quite worried that I would not be able to last the day on two hours of sleep. So I engaged my better senses and decided to drop off at Cold Storage to buy a drink, only to prove that my sleepless mind is useless for the place was quite closed till much later. I felt like a massive idiot, trying to appear less than pathetic as I stared at the metal gate. Thank goodness I quickly found out I could easily cross the road to get caffeine from Bedok Food Corner. I think I would have thrown a fit at myself if I walked in to find none of the drink stalls open. I really don't display presence of mind when I lay myself open to the dangers of pulling all-nighters. Anyway, one stall was open and I ordered me a Kopi Tarik after much stuttering. I think I documented the whole thing quite well through twitter. Because I didn't want to look like a fool so wholly unengaged in anything save her cup of too hot coffee.

Thereafter I walked to school and met Skye, Blondie, Zoey and Klarissa in the canteen.

Was nauseous the rest of the day at school and I still kind of am. I don't know the reason at all save for the fact that I haven't been keeping a diet healthy in the least bit.

Tuition soon. More pencil work and a finish on the lung. Then I will sleep. Can't wait.